Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Send us your Text From Last Night!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Loading more great texts...