Texts From Last Night

nobuttbausman's Favorites Texts:

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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

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  (570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga. http://tfl.nu/2c2v
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.

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  (570): I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk. http://tfl.nu/mwln
  Replies (7) Good night (1142) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

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  (815): Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster? http://tfl.nu/pms2
  Replies (6) Good night (2579) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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  (978): The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up... (978): Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis? http://tfl.nu/mb06
  Replies (12) Good night (890) Bad night (2796)
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  (347): View more from New York

  Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Please tell me you're talking about his personality.

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  (347): Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year. (917): Please tell me you're talking about his personality. http://tfl.nu/ofhy
  Replies (7) Good night (1586) Bad night (491)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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  (806): Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party. http://tfl.nu/ld7o
  Replies (4) Good night (1788) Bad night (345)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.

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  (412): I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke. http://tfl.nu/tyrp
  Replies (3) Good night (306) Bad night (2367) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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  (217): Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns http://tfl.nu/kqyl
  Replies (22) Good night (2265) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?

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  (305): Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can? http://tfl.nu/kckv
  Replies (2) Good night (1165) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.

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  (817): Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment. http://tfl.nu/91us
  Replies (7) Good night (580) Bad night (1654) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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  (513): Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"? (505): yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win. http://tfl.nu/lwrt
  Replies (3) Good night (1623) Bad night (383)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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  (901): Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic. http://tfl.nu/8z3j
  Replies (7) Good night (2123) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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  (928): I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone. http://tfl.nu/zx3z
  Replies (7) Good night (1271) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Yeah he's good at that.

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  (407): I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts. (904): Yeah he's good at that. http://tfl.nu/ekc4
  Replies (5) Good night (516) Bad night (1223)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.

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  (330): They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared. http://tfl.nu/tvlx
  Replies (3) Good night (1159) Bad night (508) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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  (614): not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin... http://tfl.nu/5fas
  Replies (29) Good night (2596) Bad night (518)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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  (248): Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed. http://tfl.nu/7r2l
  Replies (10) Good night (2640) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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  (503): Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home. http://tfl.nu/ow7v
  Replies (6) Good night (2991) Bad night (358)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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  (503): All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over. http://tfl.nu/hufa
  Replies (21) Good night (2324) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"

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  (720): You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!" http://tfl.nu/9zop
  Replies (9) Good night (2016) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (5728) Bad night (538)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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  (703): When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond. http://tfl.nu/i1tf
  Replies (12) Good night (2249) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

  (818): View more from California

  No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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  (310): Can we just ponder our lives for a second. (818): No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles. http://tfl.nu/vtnc
  Replies (7) Good night (1779) Bad night (511)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.

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  (503): He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive. http://tfl.nu/kzk0
  Replies (10) Good night (364) Bad night (2053) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.

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  (304): I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke. http://tfl.nu/7s6d
  Replies (5) Good night (1223) Bad night (1109) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.

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  (414): Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl. http://tfl.nu/70hc
  Replies (4) Good night (1387) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Are we still banned from the library?

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  (313): Are we still banned from the library? http://tfl.nu/xtiu
  Replies (12) Good night (2115) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I'm wearing red that night.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Noted, what shade?

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Whore.

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  (202): I'm wearing red that night. (301): Noted, what shade? (202): Whore. http://tfl.nu/7182
  Replies (8) Good night (3319) Bad night (369)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot

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  (304): yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot http://tfl.nu/grz5
  Replies (2) Good night (986) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

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  (386): he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it http://tfl.nu/bfv6
  Replies (15) Good night (1547) Bad night (969) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...

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  (817): there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution... http://tfl.nu/4s12
  Replies (13) Good night (479) Bad night (1512) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.

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  (517): btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener. http://tfl.nu/k1i6
  Replies (5) Good night (1651) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite

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  (484): you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite http://tfl.nu/cjvu
  Replies (2) Good night (1495) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.

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  (256): I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now. http://tfl.nu/ogzg
  Replies (1) Good night (538) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.

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  (323): He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain. http://tfl.nu/r1vy
  Replies (8) Good night (2478) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.

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  (717): Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too. http://tfl.nu/67rw
  Replies (1) Good night (604) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

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  (727): I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy. http://tfl.nu/oiln
  Replies (8) Good night (2761) Bad night (372)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?

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  (253): Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen? http://tfl.nu/9r46
  Replies (14) Good night (2332) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
  Replies (12) Good night (2750) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.

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  (912): Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio. http://tfl.nu/wkrp
  Replies (4) Good night (1310) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy

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  (832): RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy http://tfl.nu/3k4d
  Replies (8) Good night (1375) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.

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  (519): Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene. http://tfl.nu/c9bu
  Replies (5) Good night (970) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?

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  (508): wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer? http://tfl.nu/zgl0
  Replies (11) Good night (1029) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.

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  (618): Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex. http://tfl.nu/rcfz
  Replies (12) Good night (1260) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam

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  (813): I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam http://tfl.nu/m89k
  Replies (2) Good night (899) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride

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  (320): she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride http://tfl.nu/iegm
  Replies (4) Good night (331) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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  (660): i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting http://tfl.nu/v176
  Replies (12) Good night (947) Bad night (3068) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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  (703): The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party. http://tfl.nu/q2r5
  Replies (4) Good night (3406) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.

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  (630): I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now. http://tfl.nu/zvll
  Replies (7) Good night (539) Bad night (1670) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!

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  (352): She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week! http://tfl.nu/rhq7
  Replies (3) Good night (1605) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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  (815): Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa. http://tfl.nu/kz18
  Replies (2) Good night (1649) Bad night (338)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Hows that studying goin for you?

  (1-505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

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  (505): Hows that studying goin for you? (1-505): I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil http://tfl.nu/rkj1
  Replies (5) Good night (1571) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

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  (201): My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now. http://tfl.nu/1l2n
  Replies (8) Good night (1651) Bad night (1029) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

  (352): View more from Florida

  Like they're going to fly away?

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  (407): I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much (352): Like they're going to fly away? http://tfl.nu/z6w4
  Replies (10) Good night (4297) Bad night (458)
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  (914): View more from New York

  She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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  (914): She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable? http://tfl.nu/73t2
  Replies (4) Good night (2348) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.

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  (541): Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock. http://tfl.nu/5hls
  Replies (13) Good night (1304) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours

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  (403): Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours http://tfl.nu/wscg
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.

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  (313): I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer. http://tfl.nu/dqld
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.

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  (330): okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important. http://tfl.nu/wfir
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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  (678): This is the weirdest negotiation ever. (814): This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue. http://tfl.nu/rt97
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.

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  (586): It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying. http://tfl.nu/5saj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.

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  (732): you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic. http://tfl.nu/b9sf
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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  (832): You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you" http://tfl.nu/nnn7
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just arrived at our party

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  (708): Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis (773): Just arrived at our party http://tfl.nu/7hao
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  (760): View more from California

  I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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  (760): I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day. http://tfl.nu/8ipd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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  (804): I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone http://tfl.nu/9ph0
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (847): Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over? (312): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/ubhn
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  (949): View more from California

  I have no words

  (951): View more from California

  Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.

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  (949): I have no words (951): Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water. http://tfl.nu/wxcd
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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  (+64): He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?! http://tfl.nu/rdvw
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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  (386): Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here. http://tfl.nu/vy2d
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.

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  (508): Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated. http://tfl.nu/0bri
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  (818): View more from California

  Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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  (818): Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell. http://tfl.nu/vgl2
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow

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  (802): He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow http://tfl.nu/7xi8
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

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  (402): Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s http://tfl.nu/nt41
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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  (919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

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  (423): I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees http://tfl.nu/90bg
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case

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  (917): My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case http://tfl.nu/1awx
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  (516): View more from New York

  The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

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  (516): The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me. http://tfl.nu/o6eb
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?

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  (361): Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/ihmp
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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  (907): I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone? (810): shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you http://tfl.nu/u0b0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark

  (1-678): View more from Georgia

  ...

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  (678): Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark (1-678): ... http://tfl.nu/supo
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself

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  (419): after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself http://tfl.nu/nl6g
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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  (+44): That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard. http://tfl.nu/cdhm
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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  (973): Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like http://tfl.nu/re6o
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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  (519): yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem? http://tfl.nu/qi5q
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

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  (908): How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks. http://tfl.nu/jloo
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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  (857): It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful. http://tfl.nu/xfy4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?

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  (704): Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that? http://tfl.nu/6433
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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  (905): he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love http://tfl.nu/0ny7
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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  (860): She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused. http://tfl.nu/7uxa
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  (909): View more from California

  The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.

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  (909): The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you. http://tfl.nu/bupp
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  (415): View more from California

  He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished

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  (415): He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished http://tfl.nu/a96t
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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  (303): I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned. (720): Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed? (303): my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are http://tfl.nu/22n0
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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  (276): You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat. http://tfl.nu/s2nm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.

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  (978): Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea. http://tfl.nu/15nf
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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  (602): As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by. (208): I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby. http://tfl.nu/looi
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

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  (781): One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach? http://tfl.nu/leuf
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown

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  (773): after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown http://tfl.nu/azzf
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  (940): View more from Texas

  My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

  (940): View more from Texas

  HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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  (940): My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!! (940): HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT. http://tfl.nu/347l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.

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  (303): I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up. http://tfl.nu/b02w
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"

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  (360): I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!" http://tfl.nu/wn2w
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.

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  (573): I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt. http://tfl.nu/esr9
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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  (814): Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright. http://tfl.nu/kb3m
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  (925): View more from California

  you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

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  (925): you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed http://tfl.nu/e4j9
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink

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  (570): I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink http://tfl.nu/d7kc
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  (209): View more from California

  Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!

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  (209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country! http://tfl.nu/zlp4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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  (203): some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed. http://tfl.nu/br4z
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice

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  (514): The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice http://tfl.nu/9qpr
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)

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  (630): Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-) http://tfl.nu/n299
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.

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  (419): I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done. http://tfl.nu/5j5b
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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  (616): All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good. http://tfl.nu/bkrn
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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  (+44): Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off. http://tfl.nu/7fq9
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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  (414): ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco http://tfl.nu/xqa3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.

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  (201): Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that. http://tfl.nu/wq84
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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  (630): I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate http://tfl.nu/l99f
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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  (618): I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka http://tfl.nu/yt16
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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  (330): She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time. http://tfl.nu/qns1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.

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  (317): He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry. http://tfl.nu/4jj5
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?

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  (727): You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you? http://tfl.nu/l34c
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  (713): View more from Texas

  just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal

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  (713): just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal http://tfl.nu/dg00
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?

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  (717): Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking? http://tfl.nu/e79x
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips

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  (217): I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips http://tfl.nu/378x
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.

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  (636): Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me. http://tfl.nu/3e5v
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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  (304): I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us. (1-304): Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat? (304): No there was a goat. I gave it a donut. http://tfl.nu/bds8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?

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  (970): Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...? http://tfl.nu/ngco
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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  (208): if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that. http://tfl.nu/41po
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.

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  (785): I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name. http://tfl.nu/h5ua
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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  (360): Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident? http://tfl.nu/46ya
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.

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  (907): I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled. http://tfl.nu/g1t3
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.

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  (989): He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT. http://tfl.nu/p01t
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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  (706): Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories http://tfl.nu/hpss
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room

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  (907): Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room http://tfl.nu/45bd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it

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  (847): If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it http://tfl.nu/cx6g
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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  (256): I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK. http://tfl.nu/2pqx
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

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  (519): There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge http://tfl.nu/5e7p
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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  (505): Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening. http://tfl.nu/2dkx
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.

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  (540): Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms. http://tfl.nu/tg48
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.

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  (603): Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom. http://tfl.nu/yblg
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  (559): View more from California

  Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.

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  (559):Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination. http://tfl.nu/eipz
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

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  (320): don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING http://tfl.nu/kogd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  ...i wondered where i left that...

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  (732): please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong... (1-732): ...i wondered where i left that... http://tfl.nu/q7mv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer

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  (678): I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer http://tfl.nu/ffy6
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.

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  (704): Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now. http://tfl.nu/n39e
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.

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  (989): Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it. http://tfl.nu/2dh1
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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  (715): Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once. http://tfl.nu/y3bm
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??

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  (304): Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away?? http://tfl.nu/5x5i
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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  (248): Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door? http://tfl.nu/ayiv
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  (315): View more from New York

  3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.

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  (315): 3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn. http://tfl.nu/iak3
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill

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  (313): Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill http://tfl.nu/vbjy
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to decorate you...

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  (269): It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair. (1-269): I just wanted to decorate you... http://tfl.nu/gax7
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...

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  (608): There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position... http://tfl.nu/q8gr
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.

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  (770): Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer. http://tfl.nu/3cyq
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  (858): View more from California

  Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.

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  (858): Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/33hl
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.

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  (203): The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice. http://tfl.nu/qfp9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

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  (978): karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup http://tfl.nu/ujf4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.

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  (404): Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish. http://tfl.nu/tpdo
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party

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  (330): Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party http://tfl.nu/m7il
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.

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  (812): Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand. http://tfl.nu/f9hd
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!

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  (402): 1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow! http://tfl.nu/fjak
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up

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  (217): Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up http://tfl.nu/7l2l
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  ...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

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  (615): ...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT http://tfl.nu/kbbi
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  (425): View more from Washington

  so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.

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  (425): so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork. http://tfl.nu/y2vt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes

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  (334): If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes http://tfl.nu/khy3
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.

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  (509): Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25. http://tfl.nu/jw4t
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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  (207): Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child http://tfl.nu/qzf1
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time

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  (717): just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time http://tfl.nu/oodw
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  (559): View more from California

  And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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  (559): And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was" http://tfl.nu/hg14
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

  (917): View more from New York City

  So many issues. You honestly need help.

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  (862): I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in. (917): So many issues. You honestly need help. http://tfl.nu/cv7o
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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  (269): I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police. http://tfl.nu/uj8w
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession

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  (501): All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession http://tfl.nu/yu57
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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  (540): Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place. http://tfl.nu/p2sn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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  (303): We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates. http://tfl.nu/w536
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

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  (647): I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized... http://tfl.nu/nrq1
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  (916): View more from California

  Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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  (916): Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash http://tfl.nu/rtwe
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that

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  (630): Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that http://tfl.nu/h45m
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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  (256): Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby. http://tfl.nu/s0x6
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  (904): View more from Florida

  you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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  (904): you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck. http://tfl.nu/a9rr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.

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  (513): So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks. http://tfl.nu/ufdq
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

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  (651): You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME. http://tfl.nu/uum6
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That bitch ruined vodka saturday

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  (651): That bitch ruined vodka saturday http://tfl.nu/2db3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  She fuckin peed on me

  (817): View more from Texas

  Stay golden ponyboy

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  (757): She fuckin peed on me (817): Stay golden ponyboy http://tfl.nu/vooq
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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  (225): I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left. http://tfl.nu/d68g
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.

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  (540): Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good. http://tfl.nu/d8mv
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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  (508): Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level. (508): I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred http://tfl.nu/piwf
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.

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  (609): Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year. http://tfl.nu/sxhu
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  (925): View more from California

  I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands

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  (925): I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands http://tfl.nu/dboa
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.

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  (815): I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere. http://tfl.nu/v3m6
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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  (318): I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye http://tfl.nu/xi6q
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?

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  (605): How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts? http://tfl.nu/1g9l
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.

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  (410): It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience. http://tfl.nu/n6q9
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.

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  (206): She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America. http://tfl.nu/8yw3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  French fry pizza

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Are you brilliant or just really high?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can't it be both?

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  (330): French fry pizza (502): Are you brilliant or just really high? (330): Can't it be both? http://tfl.nu/8jk8
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  (619): View more from California

  We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

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  (619): We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend. http://tfl.nu/mtuw
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

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  (480): honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well. http://tfl.nu/eoih
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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  (612): I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover. http://tfl.nu/pxbl
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.

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  (267): He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man. http://tfl.nu/v6o1
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.

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  (402): Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex. http://tfl.nu/hnii
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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  (732): He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/grbq
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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  (501): I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please. http://tfl.nu/vb3l
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.

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  (941): I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked. http://tfl.nu/4e23
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  (707): View more from California

  Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis

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  (707): Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis http://tfl.nu/prx7
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  (409): View more from Texas

  You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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  (409): You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you. http://tfl.nu/firf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

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  (847): couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner. http://tfl.nu/srex
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

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  (832): Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control. http://tfl.nu/bxmz
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.

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  (601): So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment. http://tfl.nu/ledy
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.

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  (330): I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show. http://tfl.nu/dej0
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

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  (+61): She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING. http://tfl.nu/6o0j
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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  (425): I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool. (1-425): No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes. http://tfl.nu/wqbv
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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  (214): Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me? http://tfl.nu/3sua
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  (801): View more from Utah

  If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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  (801): If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy... http://tfl.nu/s54g
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

  (219): View more from Indiana

  yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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  (219): about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town? (219): yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes? http://tfl.nu/jl45
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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  (732): why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos? http://tfl.nu/di91
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?

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  (217): If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping? http://tfl.nu/vdup
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks

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  (609): all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs (609): hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks http://tfl.nu/8a0z
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.

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  (773): he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer. http://tfl.nu/dnae
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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  (603): A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you. http://tfl.nu/2hjp
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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  (509): Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested. http://tfl.nu/8mit
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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  (517): I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole. http://tfl.nu/6med
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  (716): View more from New York

  He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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  (716): He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex http://tfl.nu/jqzk
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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  (403): My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind. http://tfl.nu/y5d8
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."

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  (423): She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk." http://tfl.nu/peq8
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer

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  (615): This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer http://tfl.nu/0w8r
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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  (828): Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes. http://tfl.nu/k70t
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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  (505): Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait. http://tfl.nu/lp7a
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.

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  (610): she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard. http://tfl.nu/kg7h
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  your completely serious

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  (774): I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby (617): your completely serious http://tfl.nu/nhex
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.

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  (541): I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick. http://tfl.nu/18bv
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  (310): View more from California

  Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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  (310): Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate. http://tfl.nu/vwb7
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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  (813): Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b. http://tfl.nu/ahce
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  (+35): View more from

  Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?

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  (+35): Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck? http://tfl.nu/h4m7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.

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  (720): Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda. http://tfl.nu/08yd
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Come over. Drunk tacos.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  That isn't even a sentence.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I kept the important parts.

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  (214): Come over. Drunk tacos. (1-214): That isn't even a sentence. (214): I kept the important parts. http://tfl.nu/2pq0
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  (914): View more from New York

  He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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  (914): He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name http://tfl.nu/48t9
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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  (289): You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person. http://tfl.nu/dofi
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  (347): View more from New York

  his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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  (347): his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you. http://tfl.nu/crxb
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  (661): View more from California

  fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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  (661): fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn. http://tfl.nu/6ro6
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?

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  (256): this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo? http://tfl.nu/pp0d
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  (530): View more from California

  Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line

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  (530): Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line http://tfl.nu/4yuv
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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  (501): Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight. http://tfl.nu/hv0l
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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  (541): You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize. http://tfl.nu/yage
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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  (440): Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore http://tfl.nu/9n7j
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you find a tooth?

  (254): View more from Texas

  did you lose one?

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  (512): did you find a tooth? (254): did you lose one? http://tfl.nu/1ieh
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  (432): View more from Texas

  There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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  (432): There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses! http://tfl.nu/cuv6
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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  (517): Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school.... http://tfl.nu/i9vj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.

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  (443): Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now. http://tfl.nu/3e9p
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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  (780): just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency". http://tfl.nu/5vs5
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

  (256): View more from Alabama

  Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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  (334): I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol (256): Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn. http://tfl.nu/f3y5
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  (707): View more from California

  My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her

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  (707): My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her http://tfl.nu/qrm1
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk

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  (614): I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk http://tfl.nu/rn5q
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.

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  (336): Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car. http://tfl.nu/8ezv
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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  (812): The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age http://tfl.nu/fek2
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  (760): View more from California

  explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.

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  (760): explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet. http://tfl.nu/b9gi
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  (210): View more from Texas

  A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

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  (210): A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day. http://tfl.nu/06c7
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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  (330): Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in. http://tfl.nu/l5u1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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  (770): To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present. http://tfl.nu/n1ow
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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  (785): Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur". http://tfl.nu/3gb4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.

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  (908): I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag. http://tfl.nu/b0zy
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  (516): View more from New York

  It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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  (516): It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night. http://tfl.nu/9z84
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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  (612): You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship. http://tfl.nu/eji2
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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  (731): He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties http://tfl.nu/51c2
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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  (443): She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/dqlg
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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  (813): I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked. http://tfl.nu/aika
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.

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  (618): I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera. http://tfl.nu/5ed2
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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  (214): It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils. http://tfl.nu/mamt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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  (503): I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan. http://tfl.nu/4npq
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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  (217): Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency http://tfl.nu/yuks
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  (914): View more from New York

  Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

  (1-914): View more from New York

  that is WHY your in summer classes

  (914): View more from New York

  worth it

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  (914): Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class (1-914): that is WHY your in summer classes (914): worth it http://tfl.nu/1hzd
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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  (902): He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either http://tfl.nu/fc5z
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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  (206): My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in. http://tfl.nu/9rsk
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  (713): View more from Texas

  That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

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  (713): That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me. http://tfl.nu/mvmi
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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  (330): I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned. http://tfl.nu/myfn
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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  (334): thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week http://tfl.nu/vfml
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  (518): View more from New York

  one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what

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  (518): one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what http://tfl.nu/cm71
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

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  (+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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  (978): Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die... http://tfl.nu/7pmw
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He just called me juicy booty via text message.

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  (812): He just called me juicy booty via text message. http://tfl.nu/j99z
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

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  (732): He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love! http://tfl.nu/kaje
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard

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  (630): Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard http://tfl.nu/pb8h
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on

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  (604): This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on http://tfl.nu/bpc0
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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  (251): I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time. http://tfl.nu/fcdx
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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  (603): No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative http://tfl.nu/aljj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

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  (214): So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest. http://tfl.nu/6468
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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  (504): Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me. http://tfl.nu/tasz
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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  (774): I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys. http://tfl.nu/c88u
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.

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  (705): My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/aval
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.

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  (570): My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station. http://tfl.nu/3ja7
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out

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  (610): Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out http://tfl.nu/ac78
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.

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  (478): Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up. http://tfl.nu/imv1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Someone shattered a urinal.

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  (678): Someone shattered a urinal. http://tfl.nu/a493
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.

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  (414): we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs. http://tfl.nu/5423
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  (310): View more from California

  Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs

  (310): View more from California

  Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?

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  (310): Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs (310): Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor? http://tfl.nu/gbsd
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  (845): View more from New York

  you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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  (845): you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away http://tfl.nu/uj7c
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  (315): View more from New York

  Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.

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  (315): Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes. http://tfl.nu/lvfu
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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  (505): Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later. http://tfl.nu/q053
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?

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  (902): are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night? http://tfl.nu/v55k
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.

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  (206): I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well. http://tfl.nu/k69f
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!

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  (303): hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you! http://tfl.nu/45j7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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  (570): He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this. http://tfl.nu/9z6q
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

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  (724): some bitch filled my sink with salsa. http://tfl.nu/iv44
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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  (803): He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b http://tfl.nu/qxl5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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  (+44): We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in. http://tfl.nu/xqye
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  (561): View more from Florida

  He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.

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  (561): He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant. http://tfl.nu/xyax
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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  (651): professor came back from spring break missing a tooth http://tfl.nu/mzcn
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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  (864): he tried to breastfeed my turtle http://tfl.nu/mp5f
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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  (812): I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me. http://tfl.nu/7p9m
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.

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  (847): she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay. http://tfl.nu/cwvk
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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  (417): Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there. http://tfl.nu/jea6
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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  (785): Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer. http://tfl.nu/7lxv
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.

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  (740): Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed. http://tfl.nu/6s1t
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  (530): View more from California

  I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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  (530): I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me. http://tfl.nu/jc9x
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?

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  (443): Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree? http://tfl.nu/odr7
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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  (313): Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose. http://tfl.nu/p7by
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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  (801): Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face. http://tfl.nu/qeig
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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  (248): btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese http://tfl.nu/b6cs
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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  (520): just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet? http://tfl.nu/osm2
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  (925): View more from California

  you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left

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  (925): you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left http://tfl.nu/56sv
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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  (785): Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday... http://tfl.nu/8w3z
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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  (360): I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience. http://tfl.nu/k7n6
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  (716): View more from New York

  It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

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  (716): It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point. http://tfl.nu/9jn6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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  (502): He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up. http://tfl.nu/onjv
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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  (902): hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help. http://tfl.nu/mkef
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

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  (808): Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days. http://tfl.nu/a8z9
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.

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  (814): well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there. http://tfl.nu/ct1u
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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  (573): I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot. http://tfl.nu/yflo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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  (815): ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this http://tfl.nu/mfxc
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  (707): View more from California

  You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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  (707): You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip" http://tfl.nu/cn9w
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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  (580): You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose. http://tfl.nu/41p8
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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  (606): Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now. http://tfl.nu/sgsy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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  (541): get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear. http://tfl.nu/nwnx
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.

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  (612): We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win. http://tfl.nu/kq33
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  (650): View more from California

  dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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  (650): dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king http://tfl.nu/ix08
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

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  (513): I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY. http://tfl.nu/5vxl
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....

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  (813): Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night.... http://tfl.nu/k2vf
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  (940): View more from Texas

  You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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  (940): You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse. http://tfl.nu/kwi6
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  (845): View more from New York

  Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

  (845): View more from New York

  i made a dollar

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  (845): Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands (845): i made a dollar http://tfl.nu/0t5e
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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  (850): I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish http://tfl.nu/yd4k
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  (916): View more from California

  I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.

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  (916): I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was. http://tfl.nu/vzii
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

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  (270): Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best. http://tfl.nu/nsnm
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.

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  (785): this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/7xsl
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.

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  (613): She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place. http://tfl.nu/avtw
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  (518): View more from New York

  I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.

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  (518): I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold. http://tfl.nu/adho
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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  (973): Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house http://tfl.nu/x9ej
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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  (828): I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm. http://tfl.nu/jyta
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  (415): View more from California

  Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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  (415): Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time. http://tfl.nu/wfi0
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  (650): View more from California

  at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running

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  (650): at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running http://tfl.nu/xnze
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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  (989): Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember? http://tfl.nu/1p12
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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  (513): Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu. http://tfl.nu/2u8z
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

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  (336): as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love http://tfl.nu/xemn
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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  (+44): She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name http://tfl.nu/1k1s
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  (626): View more from California

  Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?

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  (626): Did they have a limo or was i just stoned? http://tfl.nu/ui6f
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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  (901): There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/rmal
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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  (480): I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies. http://tfl.nu/khmt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

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  (804): Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina. http://tfl.nu/ugq6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed

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  (717): I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed http://tfl.nu/mass
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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  (402): if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you. http://tfl.nu/a1uo
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.

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  (724): The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape. http://tfl.nu/5pgg
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land

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  (508): whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land http://tfl.nu/kude
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  (714): View more from California

  I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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  (714): I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom. http://tfl.nu/8p10
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

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  (401): We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/48jv
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka

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  (985): I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka http://tfl.nu/h91z
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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  (678): I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though. http://tfl.nu/25nt
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  (805): View more from California

  Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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  (805): Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke http://tfl.nu/mqiv
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?

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  (709): Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank? http://tfl.nu/b51n
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

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  (206): Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit. http://tfl.nu/8fs8
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.

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  (231): We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result. http://tfl.nu/ddxt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better

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  (419): I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better http://tfl.nu/bdvs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.

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  (407): Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS. http://tfl.nu/pvmv
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all

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  (618): Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all http://tfl.nu/t0uz
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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  (207): I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over. http://tfl.nu/vji8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.

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  (203): The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11. http://tfl.nu/3slh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.

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  (732): Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million. http://tfl.nu/4jbr
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.

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  (870): Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear. http://tfl.nu/uzj4
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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  (907): Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen. http://tfl.nu/l4cq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.

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  (801): He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life. http://tfl.nu/m63k
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  (305): View more from Florida

  The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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  (305): The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever http://tfl.nu/qxjf
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.

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  (925): I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3. http://tfl.nu/j6bz
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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  (204): Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie. http://tfl.nu/nzfy
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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  (314): Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine http://tfl.nu/lktn
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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  (908): Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet http://tfl.nu/o0c7
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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  (281): I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home. http://tfl.nu/pc90
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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  (406): He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage http://tfl.nu/22pw
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.

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  (815): he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating. http://tfl.nu/1vha
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?

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  (301): Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos? http://tfl.nu/uo60
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  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...

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  (+44): The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad... http://tfl.nu/0y4t
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?

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  (614): Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right? http://tfl.nu/mfqu
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.

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  (715): I will also be strapping forties to the puppies. http://tfl.nu/upgh
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

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  (417): There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy. http://tfl.nu/lepd
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  (239): View more from Florida

  so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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  (239): so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are. http://tfl.nu/bpgx
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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  (614): Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE http://tfl.nu/myo8
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  (716): View more from New York

  There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair

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  (716): There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair http://tfl.nu/dbyu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.

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  (703): theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already. http://tfl.nu/gg0y
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?

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  (214): Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night? http://tfl.nu/uwcg
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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  (630): We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas. http://tfl.nu/1h9b
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

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  (815): we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod. http://tfl.nu/j49l
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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  (780): downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning http://tfl.nu/3yhr
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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  (520): normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees. http://tfl.nu/d0ki
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

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  (443): told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet... http://tfl.nu/9yno
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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  (407): I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that http://tfl.nu/57uu
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  (619): View more from California

  We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

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  (619): We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed. http://tfl.nu/uy5s
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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  (850): i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend http://tfl.nu/u4us
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

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  (720): and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook. http://tfl.nu/6m40
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.

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  (503): I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over. http://tfl.nu/8vsu
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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  (225): Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe. http://tfl.nu/nl8k
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  (315): View more from New York

  Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...

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  (315): Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime... http://tfl.nu/v3a6
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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  (860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong

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  (203): i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong http://tfl.nu/c7ef
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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  (847): He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people? http://tfl.nu/g8mb
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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  (517): I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed. http://tfl.nu/94v6
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?

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  (440): vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night? http://tfl.nu/3xi4
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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  (913): So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof. http://tfl.nu/7fh1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

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  (401): I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type. http://tfl.nu/97ap
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club

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  (514): You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club http://tfl.nu/px87
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  (631): View more from New York

  She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

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  (631): She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that? http://tfl.nu/dqln
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.

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  (517): someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover. http://tfl.nu/zuyo
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  haha i know

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  (406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!

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  (724): who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?! http://tfl.nu/teth
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.

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  (217): This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates. http://tfl.nu/zki5
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.

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  (913): Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move. http://tfl.nu/e9ea
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

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  (602): I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex. http://tfl.nu/gy7w
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  (818): View more from California

  Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

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  (818): Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment http://tfl.nu/eaeq
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.

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  (419): Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher. http://tfl.nu/jcc0
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math

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  (520): She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math http://tfl.nu/3rkm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

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  (978): Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you. http://tfl.nu/jevr
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...

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  (828): I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos... http://tfl.nu/fyfs
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  (512): View more from Texas

  honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party

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  (512): honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party http://tfl.nu/io10
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.

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  (302): He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was. http://tfl.nu/ureg
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.

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  (505): Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath. http://tfl.nu/rm8d
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.

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  (703): Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it. http://tfl.nu/3bav
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  (813): View more from Florida

  im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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  (813): im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots. http://tfl.nu/i8ur
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this

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  (314): she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this http://tfl.nu/4qkx
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.

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  (780): We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150. http://tfl.nu/ontt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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  (845): I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain? http://tfl.nu/0jn9
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.

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  (856): It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday. http://tfl.nu/7ydm
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.

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  (305): We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail. http://tfl.nu/cojn
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.

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  (217): I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel. http://tfl.nu/8hwr
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.

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  (808): mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done. http://tfl.nu/ufw3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.

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  (405): You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party. http://tfl.nu/3ntk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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  (301): I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost. http://tfl.nu/jb2u
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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  (651): I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed. http://tfl.nu/6al2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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  (330): theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk69
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

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  (314): You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important. http://tfl.nu/ehih
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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  (413): thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover... http://tfl.nu/lbcp
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget

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  (267): i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget http://tfl.nu/82kf
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up

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  (519): You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up http://tfl.nu/hzs8
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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  (613): Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover http://tfl.nu/cy4m
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  (716): View more from New York

  Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?

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  (716): Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate? http://tfl.nu/244l
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.

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  (608): Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night. http://tfl.nu/vd8i
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  (909): View more from California

  I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...

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  (909): I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"... http://tfl.nu/z8ro
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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  (+44): I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life. http://tfl.nu/bbi7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.

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  (440): By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER. http://tfl.nu/qy49
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

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  (647): Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen? http://tfl.nu/shhx
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  (530): View more from California

  and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.

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  (530): and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters. http://tfl.nu/hxhg
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket

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  (919): and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket http://tfl.nu/744s
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me

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  (773): At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me http://tfl.nu/wnez
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  (845): View more from New York

  Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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  (845): Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!" http://tfl.nu/ndk1
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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  (469): Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right? http://tfl.nu/axfy
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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  (801): Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas http://tfl.nu/kcjf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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  (757): It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah" http://tfl.nu/ebyl
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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  (720): I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis http://tfl.nu/ymdq
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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  (412): I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this." http://tfl.nu/x2qj
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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  (360): Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything. http://tfl.nu/kqmn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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  (816): and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore. http://tfl.nu/dnny
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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  (574): 2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home http://tfl.nu/gyyq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

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  (248): Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages. http://tfl.nu/po3d
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

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  (937): Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it. http://tfl.nu/m5np
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  .....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you

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  (804): .....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you http://tfl.nu/s188
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance

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  (207): i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance http://tfl.nu/4kjn
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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  (651): okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are. http://tfl.nu/937u
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  thats the international knock for joint time

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  (423): you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell (901): thats the international knock for joint time http://tfl.nu/xbry
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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  (319): Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now. http://tfl.nu/g0lg
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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  (314): In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk. http://tfl.nu/6bmy
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

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  (214): he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies http://tfl.nu/w2ol
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  (315): View more from New York

  someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this

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  (315): someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this http://tfl.nu/qf5d
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, its January.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We're going to do the voices too.

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  (970): We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots. (303): Dude, its January. (970): We're going to do the voices too. http://tfl.nu/k3gb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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  (908): I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level http://tfl.nu/uegr
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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  (862): It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy. http://tfl.nu/1k8y
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...

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  (773): i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is... http://tfl.nu/4q16
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box

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  (704): Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box http://tfl.nu/xete
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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  (484): Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere. http://tfl.nu/h3z2
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  (518): View more from New York

  i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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  (518): i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock http://tfl.nu/9mlf
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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  (636): i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend http://tfl.nu/jil2
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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  (804): They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas. http://tfl.nu/dkws
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

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  (403): Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night. (1-403): I am now curious as to how you would have aimed. http://tfl.nu/wkgz
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

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  (269): I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you. http://tfl.nu/jro0
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.

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  (859): I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt. http://tfl.nu/2lr3
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.

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  (262): You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk. http://tfl.nu/u9t6
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...

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  (801): I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag... http://tfl.nu/qim6
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out

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  (540): You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out http://tfl.nu/n0iw
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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  (928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea http://tfl.nu/nwiv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

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  (203): I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb. http://tfl.nu/7di2
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  critical mistake not lubing the nipples

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  (816): critical mistake not lubing the nipples http://tfl.nu/tm7j
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  (619): View more from California

  Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.

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  (619): Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor. http://tfl.nu/2isj
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

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  (570): she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time http://tfl.nu/kzmt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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  (989): It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened. http://tfl.nu/z3yw
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.

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  (219): So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers. http://tfl.nu/p4nm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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  (412): she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend http://tfl.nu/4xq5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care

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  (503): just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care http://tfl.nu/jaq9
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets

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  (717): no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/m579
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"

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  (507): Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07" http://tfl.nu/j0aw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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  (617): She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me http://tfl.nu/0bof
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

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  (203): he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted http://tfl.nu/yf6w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

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  (508): After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well. http://tfl.nu/5wox
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3

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  (484): drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3 http://tfl.nu/7aa9
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

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  (708): He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam.. http://tfl.nu/opqs
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"

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  (973): Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them" http://tfl.nu/9mkz
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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  (970): There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/bv2v
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
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  (094): View more from

  After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.

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  (094): After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while. http://tfl.nu/x4in
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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  (807): at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket. http://tfl.nu/odip
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  (631): View more from New York

  judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

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  (631): judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way. http://tfl.nu/a0to
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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  (913): We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount! http://tfl.nu/fchz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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  (724): Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers http://tfl.nu/1uct
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?

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  (781): There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours? http://tfl.nu/3112
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  (310): View more from California

  Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?

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  (310): Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life? http://tfl.nu/un84
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.

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  (440): basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out. http://tfl.nu/kbtu
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

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  (228): I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me. http://tfl.nu/ndpv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.

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  (443): I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face. http://tfl.nu/jlmy
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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  (720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

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  (802): she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings. http://tfl.nu/exva
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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  (303): The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened http://tfl.nu/m273
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.

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  (541): Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in. http://tfl.nu/jhqc
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  (941): View more from Florida

  well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

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  (941): well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already. http://tfl.nu/vv0a
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.

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  (216): When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning. http://tfl.nu/aoha
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.

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  (618): I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's. http://tfl.nu/uxq5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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  (630): I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..' http://tfl.nu/mj73
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.

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  (904): I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year. http://tfl.nu/isyi
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since

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  (907): He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since http://tfl.nu/78cc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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  (404): we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition? http://tfl.nu/nsp8
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important

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  (603): you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important http://tfl.nu/xvgc
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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  (270): He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture. http://tfl.nu/0w8n
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.

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  (404): I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit. http://tfl.nu/bfom
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  (365): View more from

  I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

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  (365): I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors. http://tfl.nu/2m9c
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  (530): View more from California

  she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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  (530): she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new. http://tfl.nu/z10i
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  (631): View more from New York

  I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed

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  (631): I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed http://tfl.nu/2zh5
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

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  (513): The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk. http://tfl.nu/ersv
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  (801): View more from Utah

  We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party

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  (801): We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party http://tfl.nu/w1ty
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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  (703): No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off. http://tfl.nu/2s4x
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes

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  (706): He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes http://tfl.nu/an5y
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.

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  (971): Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin. http://tfl.nu/6hx6
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.

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  (917): Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you. http://tfl.nu/j1py
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  (909): View more from California

  that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though

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  (909): that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though http://tfl.nu/jicr
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?

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  (248): Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet? http://tfl.nu/so9l
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.

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  (+44): Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago. http://tfl.nu/hd48
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

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  (843): Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW. http://tfl.nu/o3ak
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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  (802): Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok? http://tfl.nu/nera
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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  (305): We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well http://tfl.nu/ng2b
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  (707): View more from California

  He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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  (707): He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie. http://tfl.nu/yx94
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  (714): View more from California

  if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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  (714): if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed. http://tfl.nu/eogf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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  (864): We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use. http://tfl.nu/kk0h
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

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  (703): I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice. http://tfl.nu/crhq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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  (404): Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge. http://tfl.nu/3ppt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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  (317): you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party... http://tfl.nu/sqle
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

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  (616): Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america http://tfl.nu/zong
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?

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  (507): security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs? http://tfl.nu/7ki8
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  (917): View more from New York City

  They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"

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  (917): They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?" http://tfl.nu/nrwr
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  This is why you shouldn't make decisions

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  (978): You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing (860): So? (978): This is why you shouldn't make decisions http://tfl.nu/yiev
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.

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  (330): I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing. http://tfl.nu/hw5t
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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  (310): I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in. http://tfl.nu/n54h
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (408): View more from California

  we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.

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  (408): we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good. http://tfl.nu/45si
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.

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  (864): I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened. http://tfl.nu/5edl
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

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  (630): all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave http://tfl.nu/0ff9
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  (518): View more from New York

  my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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  (518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks http://tfl.nu/8135
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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  (937): they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America" http://tfl.nu/sewn
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia

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  (705): my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia http://tfl.nu/20or
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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  (306): I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car. http://tfl.nu/2mw2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs

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  (817): I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs http://tfl.nu/vj8z
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.

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  (330): I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter. http://tfl.nu/h1kf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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  (330): Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron. http://tfl.nu/yv9g
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.

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  (843): GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head. http://tfl.nu/4n4o
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  (315): View more from New York

  I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?

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  (315): I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here? http://tfl.nu/pgo7
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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  (216): This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life. http://tfl.nu/j431
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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  (541): dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room http://tfl.nu/exa4
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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  (479): When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls. http://tfl.nu/83jv
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  (469): View more from Texas

  In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.

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  (469): In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar. http://tfl.nu/7dw6
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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  (605): He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/s2q9
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  (707): View more from California

  You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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  (707): You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are. http://tfl.nu/sbxa
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad

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  (403): well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad http://tfl.nu/t0b7
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
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  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

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  (307): there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends http://tfl.nu/lr33
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.

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  (414): Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch. http://tfl.nu/js8y
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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  (303): We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down http://tfl.nu/easv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

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  (443): WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock http://tfl.nu/0ctc
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.

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  (740): I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that. http://tfl.nu/4jg4
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.

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  (724): i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver. http://tfl.nu/mj0i
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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  (920): She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off. http://tfl.nu/r6m3
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...

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  (435): Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters... http://tfl.nu/orhj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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  (248): i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech http://tfl.nu/b8ee
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  (813): View more from Florida

  It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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  (813): It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow. http://tfl.nu/0mxe
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything

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  (715): She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything http://tfl.nu/4a6c
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  (626): View more from California

  We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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  (626): We stole a cat. That is all you need to know. http://tfl.nu/xol0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead

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  (508): I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead http://tfl.nu/5uyo
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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  (505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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  (919): I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka http://tfl.nu/i4zm
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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  (214): I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room. http://tfl.nu/9wgv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.

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  (203): You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long. http://tfl.nu/0h4i
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  (607): View more from New York

  She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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  (607): She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her. http://tfl.nu/f1tk
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  (716): View more from New York

  he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates

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  (716): he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates http://tfl.nu/tadv
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  (845): View more from New York

  you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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  (845): you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage http://tfl.nu/ot1n
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  (347): View more from New York

  the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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  (347): the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone. http://tfl.nu/ektw
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  (415): View more from California

  Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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  (415): Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it? http://tfl.nu/bvee
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.

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  (907): The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door. http://tfl.nu/z046
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  the ceiling is raining jello shotss

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  (443): the ceiling is raining jello shotss http://tfl.nu/ruds
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  (845): View more from New York

  So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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  (845): So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing http://tfl.nu/1y41
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  (510): View more from California

  EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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  (510): EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT! http://tfl.nu/n28b
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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  (704): CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME.. http://tfl.nu/vguq
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.

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  (913): It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there. http://tfl.nu/6dln
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  (310): View more from California

  He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday

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  (310): He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday http://tfl.nu/b2jq
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  (206): View more from Washington

  someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

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  (206): someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'. http://tfl.nu/u94d
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.

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  (571): you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were. http://tfl.nu/2fw7
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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  (662): this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here (601): on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends http://tfl.nu/r706
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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  (207): He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice. http://tfl.nu/mmqq
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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  (339): My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool. http://tfl.nu/q5rs
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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  (208): Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas http://tfl.nu/3mqp
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

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  (901): I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas. http://tfl.nu/166i
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose

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  (765): We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose http://tfl.nu/vyfk
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

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  (906): I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap. http://tfl.nu/cxzw
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (646): View more from New York

  Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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  (646): Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going? http://tfl.nu/kahl
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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  (803): He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face. http://tfl.nu/7qv4
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  ...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????

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  (312): ...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because???? http://tfl.nu/17np
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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  (651): That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish. http://tfl.nu/pnvl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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  (330): How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle? http://tfl.nu/4cgb
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.

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  (313): Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings. http://tfl.nu/tdjs
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  (646): View more from New York

  just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

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  (646): just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice. http://tfl.nu/48r0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.

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  (402): Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes. http://tfl.nu/823v
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me

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  (605): mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me http://tfl.nu/m5ve
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  (713): View more from Texas

  This dude is being a total douche

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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  (713): This dude is being a total douche (832): Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps http://tfl.nu/sy46
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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  (604): You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people http://tfl.nu/m3p8
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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  (216): you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission http://tfl.nu/qszs
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.

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  (204): Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out. http://tfl.nu/sq7d
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.

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  (817): I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number. http://tfl.nu/dwaz
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  (916): View more from California

  Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.

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  (916): Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much. http://tfl.nu/45kg
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?

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  (862): I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this? http://tfl.nu/11gl
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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  (973): Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping http://tfl.nu/1og8
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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  (828): you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas. http://tfl.nu/fgpp
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.

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  (814): there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit. http://tfl.nu/3q7y
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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  (303): Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog? http://tfl.nu/kw07
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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  (785): Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up. http://tfl.nu/s8n4
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule

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  (250): And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule http://tfl.nu/gp5a
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.

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  (208): i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home. http://tfl.nu/7itp
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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  (613): You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best. http://tfl.nu/snhs
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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  (727): My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out. http://tfl.nu/gjqc
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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  (484): I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night. http://tfl.nu/i8lc
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.

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  (817): 2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester. http://tfl.nu/1qgy
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  (585): View more from New York

  any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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  (585): any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later? http://tfl.nu/w8i3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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  (513): im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped. http://tfl.nu/kvpg
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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  (864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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  (717): got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me http://tfl.nu/g14l
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.

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  (402): I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of. http://tfl.nu/pxlj
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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  (781): I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on. http://tfl.nu/begu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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  (401): My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog. http://tfl.nu/x3j9
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  (239): View more from Florida

  No I am not eating basil off your cock

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  (239): No I am not eating basil off your cock http://tfl.nu/7i1u
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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  (505): I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight. http://tfl.nu/l9kd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.

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  (917): My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table. http://tfl.nu/qx0a
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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  (610): you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us? http://tfl.nu/gp4k
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

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  (303): So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing http://tfl.nu/363h
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  (619): View more from California

  He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.

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  (619): He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated. http://tfl.nu/4d8a
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.

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  (918): I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation. http://tfl.nu/6ld9
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  (661): View more from California

  I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.

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  (661): I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle. http://tfl.nu/b1qz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole

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  (303): She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole http://tfl.nu/g6br
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.

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  (574): Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends. http://tfl.nu/hd8a
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.

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  (614): i told you the emergency thong was a good idea. http://tfl.nu/5gc7
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.

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  (573): Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties. http://tfl.nu/z2k6
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.

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  (724): It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me. http://tfl.nu/9spl
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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  (970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty http://tfl.nu/gq3b
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think

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  (763): using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think http://tfl.nu/9ucc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?

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  (412): Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something? http://tfl.nu/z60e
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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  (732): Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered. http://tfl.nu/wcxh
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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  (219): My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious http://tfl.nu/6jx4
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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  (513): apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday http://tfl.nu/t1la
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  (713): View more from Texas

  We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight

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  (713): We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight http://tfl.nu/owr2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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  (207): I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs. http://tfl.nu/5epb
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  (813): View more from Florida

  peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week

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  (813): peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week http://tfl.nu/lvga
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.

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  (781): My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays. http://tfl.nu/1wl2
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  (760): View more from California

  i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.

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  (760): i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital. http://tfl.nu/v98w
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh

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  (248): I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh http://tfl.nu/l3fg
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.

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  (803): A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco. http://tfl.nu/eqmh
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Now he's lighting his socks on fire

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  (920): Now he's lighting his socks on fire http://tfl.nu/p3kv
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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  (913): The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up. http://tfl.nu/odda
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  (925): View more from California

  Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed

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  (925): Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed http://tfl.nu/cgjz
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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  (337): I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven. http://tfl.nu/stao
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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  (785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now http://tfl.nu/nbd3
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?

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  (403): Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch? http://tfl.nu/fqqa
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

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  (336): They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays. http://tfl.nu/wrv2
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.

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  (405): Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights. http://tfl.nu/1mso
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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  (540): i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective. http://tfl.nu/c9ng
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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  (609): we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding? http://tfl.nu/9jac
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  (806): View more from Texas

  i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...

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  (806): i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea... http://tfl.nu/m62q
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.

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  (512): I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect. http://tfl.nu/coze
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

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  (647): I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask http://tfl.nu/g6ag
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

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  (780): My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/iiov
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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  (519): Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous http://tfl.nu/zfcd
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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  (517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall... http://tfl.nu/myki
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy

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  (917): I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy http://tfl.nu/okyl
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

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  (785): In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out? http://tfl.nu/d8g6
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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  (423): I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/w5jl
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better

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  (970): There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better http://tfl.nu/7u74
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.

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  (630): Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week. http://tfl.nu/dxsu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.

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  (847): No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it. http://tfl.nu/l9mq
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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  (781): I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together. http://tfl.nu/rbls
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.

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  (920): I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either. http://tfl.nu/oep9
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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  (847): I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face http://tfl.nu/ydcz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

  (816): View more from Missouri

  please tell me you are kidding me

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  (913): i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell (816): please tell me you are kidding me http://tfl.nu/zfgp
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  (619): View more from California

  It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.

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  (619): It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car. http://tfl.nu/xdru
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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  (513): I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life. http://tfl.nu/fi4n
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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  (401): If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is http://tfl.nu/twoy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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  (410): he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero http://tfl.nu/dyje
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.

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  (816): Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes. http://tfl.nu/7aqq
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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  (217): I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister. http://tfl.nu/65yp
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

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  (815): it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries. http://tfl.nu/kdps
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

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  (513): hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it" http://tfl.nu/04ug
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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  (540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman. http://tfl.nu/z7nz
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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  (403): Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes. http://tfl.nu/co11
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.

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  (512): Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later. http://tfl.nu/arob
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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  (508): i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate http://tfl.nu/vubl
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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  (240): just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five http://tfl.nu/swbm
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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  (360): Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why. http://tfl.nu/20py
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

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  (812): We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells". http://tfl.nu/8dsx
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  (914): View more from New York

  He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.

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  (914): He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash. http://tfl.nu/xg6e
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

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  (973): Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests http://tfl.nu/b1y9
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.

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  (319): You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while. http://tfl.nu/w0el
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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  (808): you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech http://tfl.nu/bl5m
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

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  (703): just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately? http://tfl.nu/eqo5
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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  (405): I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign. http://tfl.nu/rxal
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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  (952): So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building http://tfl.nu/qsqb
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  (415): View more from California

  I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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  (415): I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number? http://tfl.nu/po3x
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  (786): View more from Florida

  You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

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  (786): You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager. http://tfl.nu/4g1t
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  (+43): View more from

  After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

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  (+43): After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order. http://tfl.nu/2l9g
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

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  (401): Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday. http://tfl.nu/wqr0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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  (214): So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5. http://tfl.nu/y0zl
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.

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  (225): He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that. http://tfl.nu/0p85
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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  (443): I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck. http://tfl.nu/69rd
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close

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  (917): I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close http://tfl.nu/ibae
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

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  (770): He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology. http://tfl.nu/vyx3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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  (630): I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive. http://tfl.nu/za3k
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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  (779): should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark? http://tfl.nu/0hyg
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

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  (605): The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops http://tfl.nu/xgyz
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  (562): View more from California

  she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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  (562): she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/ejvb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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  (717): well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours (484): andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you http://tfl.nu/ooyd
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.

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  (807): I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill. http://tfl.nu/m363
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

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  (512): I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me. http://tfl.nu/y2u9
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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  (952): You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear http://tfl.nu/fvq9
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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  (901): I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week http://tfl.nu/o67r
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.

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  (403): Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train. http://tfl.nu/xn8k
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

  (415): View more from California

  shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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  (231): I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence (415): shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy. http://tfl.nu/3ya6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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  (508): Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day. http://tfl.nu/pq24
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

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  (417): Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"? http://tfl.nu/n06e
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
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  (936): View more from Texas

  the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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  (936): the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?" http://tfl.nu/8dlf
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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  (973): i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me. http://tfl.nu/dox4
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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  (601): we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again. http://tfl.nu/0kiq
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.

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  (302): just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach. http://tfl.nu/5cxr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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  (847): u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends http://tfl.nu/ywa9
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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  (506): I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number. http://tfl.nu/oux0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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  (405): he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever. http://tfl.nu/wct5
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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  (270): I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy. http://tfl.nu/gapv
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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  (860): Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover. http://tfl.nu/pf8w
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.

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  (312): If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops. http://tfl.nu/hm3g
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.

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  (561): Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad. http://tfl.nu/jajh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He tried peeing out of the sunroof.

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  (847): He tried peeing out of the sunroof. http://tfl.nu/ep38
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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  (256): No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep. http://tfl.nu/gby7
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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  (615): They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this. http://tfl.nu/rcac
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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  (503): Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake. http://tfl.nu/amef
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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  (512): I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub. http://tfl.nu/cojk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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  (248): Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning? http://tfl.nu/u220
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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  (832): I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep. http://tfl.nu/qpw1
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  (818): View more from California

  Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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  (818): Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob http://tfl.nu/xjl4
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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  (727): Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs http://tfl.nu/d5ya
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.

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  (937): Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream. http://tfl.nu/kpop
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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  (970): i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail. http://tfl.nu/p81z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  high in an attic. pig roast in 10.

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  (703): high in an attic. pig roast in 10. http://tfl.nu/5v0b
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  (772): View more from Florida

  He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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  (772): He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days. http://tfl.nu/gr0g
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..

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  (781): You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet.. http://tfl.nu/rd8s
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  (858): View more from California

  I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.

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  (858): I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project. http://tfl.nu/6v94
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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  (517): My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow. http://tfl.nu/o1qn
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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  (443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER. http://tfl.nu/iqvs
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

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  (704): Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people. http://tfl.nu/g4iv
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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  (913): He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka. http://tfl.nu/p6nb
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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  (610): I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/xbiu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

  (509): View more from Washington

  You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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  (303): Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it? (509): You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge. http://tfl.nu/hjyd
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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  (404): It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated. http://tfl.nu/7ila
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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  (781): on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks? http://tfl.nu/o217
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside

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  (570): you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside http://tfl.nu/jkpy
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  (207): View more from Maine

  A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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  (207): A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card. http://tfl.nu/ujy9
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  (209): View more from California

  found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

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  (209): found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised. http://tfl.nu/cxq4
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don`t remember Saturday, actually

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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  (604): I don`t remember Saturday, actually (1-604): Its ok, i dont remember 2007 http://tfl.nu/egxh
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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  (814): This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left. http://tfl.nu/p749
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.

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  (410): we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice. http://tfl.nu/ow0x
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels

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  (514): I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels http://tfl.nu/u0pv
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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  (937): Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me. http://tfl.nu/l4zf
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant

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  (724): Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant http://tfl.nu/8r36
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?

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  (513): Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today? http://tfl.nu/r6wg
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It was just a squirrel

  (253): View more from Washington

  You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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  (406): It was just a squirrel (253): You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar http://tfl.nu/smls
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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  (360): I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/rwph
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

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  (703): of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES. http://tfl.nu/3o3r
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood

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  (440): I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood http://tfl.nu/gvot
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

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  (302): Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america http://tfl.nu/uvbf
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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  (405): I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning. http://tfl.nu/v1az
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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  (201): On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in http://tfl.nu/9hap
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  (716): View more from New York

  So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

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  (716): So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat. http://tfl.nu/aisk
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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  (970): At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name http://tfl.nu/d4zs
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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  (978): he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/bshy
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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  (734): Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window. http://tfl.nu/6pvh
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.

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  (580): Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it. http://tfl.nu/0iyi
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich

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  (717): Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich http://tfl.nu/kdwm
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  (206): View more from Washington

  We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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  (206): We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts. http://tfl.nu/k2p7
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  (786): View more from Florida

  If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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  (786): If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up http://tfl.nu/h8cl
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

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  (513): Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team. http://tfl.nu/vssn
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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  (919): you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt. http://tfl.nu/2jv4
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight

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  (785): one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight http://tfl.nu/06gq
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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  (518): I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you http://tfl.nu/jrvn
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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  (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses. http://tfl.nu/pr98
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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  (260): I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops. http://tfl.nu/sp9a
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness

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  (505): I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness http://tfl.nu/jgsm
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.

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  (817): I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth. http://tfl.nu/n8z4
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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  (217): Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship. http://tfl.nu/eyj6
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

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  (910): I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling. http://tfl.nu/sj19
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.

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  (412): She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing. http://tfl.nu/dwve
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  (650): View more from California

  OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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  (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS. http://tfl.nu/26xz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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  (913): Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun. http://tfl.nu/h48x
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

  (213): View more from California

  so that means christmas in space?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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  (781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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  (859): Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours. http://tfl.nu/gzj7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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  (407): Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants? http://tfl.nu/pjw5
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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  (724): Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos? http://tfl.nu/mgyg
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  (530): View more from California

  The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.

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  (530): The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me. http://tfl.nu/yiwo
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  (415): View more from California

  Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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  (415): Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself. http://tfl.nu/x6rs
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  (254): View more from Texas

  They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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  (254): They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call http://tfl.nu/bvwc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.

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  (406): It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house. http://tfl.nu/r4z4
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know

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  (785): One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know http://tfl.nu/bbwr
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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  (843): I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues. (478): Moment of silence for the loss of that option. http://tfl.nu/jcvy
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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  (806): You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito. http://tfl.nu/i4sd
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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  (416): you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall. http://tfl.nu/i92r
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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  (719): Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence. http://tfl.nu/tuvm
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  (415): View more from California

  Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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  (415): Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up http://tfl.nu/w3uw
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday

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  (715): Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday http://tfl.nu/15ro
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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  (610): I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse. http://tfl.nu/qk0b
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.

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  (218): I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot. http://tfl.nu/z5np
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  (516): View more from New York

  The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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  (516): The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone. http://tfl.nu/jz14
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  (619): View more from California

  Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.

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  (619): Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser. http://tfl.nu/agjn
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  (903): View more from Texas

  All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.

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  (903): All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news. http://tfl.nu/pxui
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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  (860): ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie http://tfl.nu/a0bb
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  (707): View more from California

  She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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  (707): She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her. http://tfl.nu/yn7x
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  (714): View more from California

  considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned

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  (714): considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned http://tfl.nu/7fpn
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  (716): View more from New York

  its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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  (716): its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose http://tfl.nu/vf99
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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  (708): He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed. http://tfl.nu/ytov
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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  (971): I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa. http://tfl.nu/0b4p
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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  (301): It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form http://tfl.nu/mrkk
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  (310): View more from California

  he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed

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  (310): he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed http://tfl.nu/t2n3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.

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  (610): I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you. http://tfl.nu/0cak
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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  (248): He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of http://tfl.nu/1krw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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  (708): I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex. http://tfl.nu/cwao
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.

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  (850): I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end. http://tfl.nu/6dki
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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  (712): she used her one phone call to ask me about my day http://tfl.nu/55gn
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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  (904): Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up. http://tfl.nu/49qf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

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  (917): im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer http://tfl.nu/s04i
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

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  (336): Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things. http://tfl.nu/s0f9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

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  (703): Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night. http://tfl.nu/f2qw
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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  (803): She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD. http://tfl.nu/b7tw
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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  (403): He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant. http://tfl.nu/2z77
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  (607): View more from New York

  My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.

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  (607): My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good. http://tfl.nu/t7su
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

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  (479): By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo. http://tfl.nu/nmdz
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

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  (505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm. http://tfl.nu/k80u
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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  (312): I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy http://tfl.nu/tu8r
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  (786): View more from Florida

  And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

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  (786): And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots. http://tfl.nu/xlfm
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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  (770): Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit http://tfl.nu/tode
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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  (201): I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad" http://tfl.nu/8w1c
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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  (319): i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines http://tfl.nu/w20p
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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  (405): No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull. http://tfl.nu/uent
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.

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  (717): Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home. http://tfl.nu/i7zp
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving

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  (740): you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving http://tfl.nu/qna9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."

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  (804): The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be." http://tfl.nu/zz4e
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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  (248): Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it. http://tfl.nu/o1jt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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  (514): Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for http://tfl.nu/ftay
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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  (610): we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again. http://tfl.nu/goom
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

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  (512): Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box. http://tfl.nu/wxom
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  (619): View more from California

  If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

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  (619): If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho http://tfl.nu/n12x
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  (210): View more from Texas

  After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.

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  (210): After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/pl4c
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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  (208): Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf http://tfl.nu/yxjw
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.

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  (952): i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware. http://tfl.nu/z086
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.

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  (215): I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me. http://tfl.nu/0b6p
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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  (807): I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick http://tfl.nu/2mmx
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  (415): View more from California

  was it good sex?

  (510): View more from California

  i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

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  (415): was it good sex? (510): i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was http://tfl.nu/o836
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  (315): View more from New York

  And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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  (315): And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter. http://tfl.nu/66e0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair

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  (978): vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair http://tfl.nu/uyhj
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  (646): View more from New York

  Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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  (646): Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout. http://tfl.nu/vj0i
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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  (215): Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing. http://tfl.nu/grk7
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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  (541): I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me. http://tfl.nu/2bgd
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  (516): View more from New York

  i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either

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  (516): i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either http://tfl.nu/wksp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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  (303): we're about an hour out, how's the weather? (720): cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home. http://tfl.nu/na0o
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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  (401): the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex. http://tfl.nu/qat1
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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  (425): I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely. http://tfl.nu/v43n
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  (916): View more from California

  i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable

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  (916): i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable http://tfl.nu/k7qc
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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  (207): I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots. http://tfl.nu/eygf
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  (585): View more from New York

  remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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  (585): remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight. http://tfl.nu/4o55
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  (951): View more from California

  His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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  (951): His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format http://tfl.nu/g7e8
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  (954): View more from Florida

  it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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  (954): it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/y5mn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.

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  (201): she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork. http://tfl.nu/ogci
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.

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  (617): The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door. http://tfl.nu/n48k
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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  (515): the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me http://tfl.nu/qt23
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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  (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone. http://tfl.nu/9w3d
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

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  (+64): She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better http://tfl.nu/clth
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  (210): View more from Texas

  OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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  (210): OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR. http://tfl.nu/pgie
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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  (617): Some one left their pants in the elevator. http://tfl.nu/4aog
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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  (703): I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver. http://tfl.nu/n7jh
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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  (708): Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door. http://tfl.nu/qh5i
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"

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  (615): She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits" http://tfl.nu/yc53
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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  (780): He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again. http://tfl.nu/j7t8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  bloody. ill be home soon.

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  (215): so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know? (267): bloody. ill be home soon. http://tfl.nu/2ypq
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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  (630): I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade http://tfl.nu/zmei
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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  (617): I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN. http://tfl.nu/pj90
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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  (330): I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage. http://tfl.nu/ny20
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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  (781): Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget http://tfl.nu/1lyj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok

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  (443): I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok http://tfl.nu/hllh
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  (347): View more from New York

  She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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  (347): She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her http://tfl.nu/h5zu
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know

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  (732): we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know http://tfl.nu/1cmn
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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  (412): you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby.. http://tfl.nu/7gz9
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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  (713): Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order? http://tfl.nu/nfxj
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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  (412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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  (250): Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late. http://tfl.nu/oeer
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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  (206): My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas. http://tfl.nu/jpxs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

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  (314): I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY. http://tfl.nu/obak
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.

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  (540): i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month. http://tfl.nu/gnax
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was

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  (919): I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was http://tfl.nu/prge
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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  (214): Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem http://tfl.nu/y1i7
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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  (618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has. http://tfl.nu/36lp
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  (850): View more from Florida

  It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me

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  (850): It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me http://tfl.nu/a5dr
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...

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  (620): Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me... http://tfl.nu/2n11
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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  (978): Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?" http://tfl.nu/0wwp
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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  (321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck. http://tfl.nu/5f0o
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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  (256): she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump http://tfl.nu/on8v
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.

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  (314): shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that. http://tfl.nu/a94h
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.

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  (+44): Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here. http://tfl.nu/0a2t
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

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  (778): We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's. http://tfl.nu/nlsl
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.

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  (201): Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday. http://tfl.nu/gpxr
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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  (604): Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car! http://tfl.nu/7dcx
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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  (928): I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos. http://tfl.nu/xt2r
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  (425): View more from Washington

  four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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  (425): four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone http://tfl.nu/zkvp
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number

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  (709): a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number http://tfl.nu/syte
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  (707): View more from California

  frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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  (707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?

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  (704): Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year? http://tfl.nu/w9x5
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.

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  (314): So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/3c6s
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

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  (832): I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card http://tfl.nu/wrdz
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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  (940): I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it http://tfl.nu/c2d6
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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  (480): I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours http://tfl.nu/lbg0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck

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  (610): getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck http://tfl.nu/662u
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  (903): View more from Texas

  So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants

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  (903): So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants http://tfl.nu/066x
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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  (505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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  (801): He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark. http://tfl.nu/qvx8
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

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  (508): Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now. http://tfl.nu/sqxt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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  (908): you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind" http://tfl.nu/r0zl
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  (925): View more from California

  I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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  (925): I hope this adventure ends at a hospital http://tfl.nu/tvb7
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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  (201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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  (403): I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass... http://tfl.nu/21fm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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  (913): You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" . http://tfl.nu/nj3u
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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  (519): What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/srza
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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  (865): just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke. http://tfl.nu/o9qp
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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  (702): Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent. http://tfl.nu/4is5
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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  (816): Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?! http://tfl.nu/dodw
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  (845): View more from New York

  i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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  (845): i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out http://tfl.nu/p8nx
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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  (765): Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug. http://tfl.nu/xwvw
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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  (905): They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend. http://tfl.nu/j59u
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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  (919): My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD. http://tfl.nu/zazo
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand

  (816): View more from Missouri

  team rage. no explanation necessary

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  (636): I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand (816): team rage. no explanation necessary http://tfl.nu/mquv
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  (559): View more from California

  I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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  (559): I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing. http://tfl.nu/i8zl
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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  (204): The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off.. http://tfl.nu/csfy
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?

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  (407): Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening? http://tfl.nu/psmr
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  (325): View more from Texas

  As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

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  (325): As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good, http://tfl.nu/ohf2
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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  (517): i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend http://tfl.nu/by4o
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.

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  (985): she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out. http://tfl.nu/kfuw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?

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  (708): Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason? http://tfl.nu/eo4z
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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  (773): grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet. http://tfl.nu/onit
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  (561): View more from Florida

  And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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  (561): And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips." http://tfl.nu/kfac
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  (510): View more from California

  according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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  (510): according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins" http://tfl.nu/7zd1
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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  (605): For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell. http://tfl.nu/5mii
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

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  (412): I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it http://tfl.nu/8y6r
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.

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  (303): There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home. http://tfl.nu/5hbi
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS

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  (508): so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS http://tfl.nu/purw
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

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  (514): i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving http://tfl.nu/yrvc
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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  (504): He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life. http://tfl.nu/mz8p
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.

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  (434): Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying. http://tfl.nu/4yli
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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  (918): It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin. http://tfl.nu/vso7
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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  (662): Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened? http://tfl.nu/nd5l
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

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  (541): New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss. http://tfl.nu/x43e
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?

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  (256): Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background? http://tfl.nu/fohx
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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  (540): My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things. http://tfl.nu/x5j7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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  (917): He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing. http://tfl.nu/j7tr
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.

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  (647): So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie. http://tfl.nu/dsah
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

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  (860): There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now. http://tfl.nu/p8mk
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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  (902): i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see.. http://tfl.nu/ubpf
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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  (419): Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl... http://tfl.nu/mv65
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  That sounds dangerous

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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  (316): So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses (1-316): That sounds dangerous (316): Don't worry......were wearing oven mits. http://tfl.nu/woxn
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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  (978): his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave. http://tfl.nu/6huv
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...

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  (414): Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes... http://tfl.nu/m3ok
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth

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  (520): I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth http://tfl.nu/4taz
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  (805): View more from California

  I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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  (805): I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on. http://tfl.nu/fosj
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.

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  (860): I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax. http://tfl.nu/od6q
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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  (403): They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside. http://tfl.nu/o1u3
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

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  (828): then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge http://tfl.nu/hh8c
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  (626): View more from California

  It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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  (626): It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/eowy
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  (315): View more from New York

  i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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  (315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys
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  (562): View more from California

  Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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  (562): Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics http://tfl.nu/ne8m
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am

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  (270): If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am http://tfl.nu/t19w
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.

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  (724): Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over. http://tfl.nu/rd2c
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  (360): View more from Washington

  No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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  (360): No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling. http://tfl.nu/gf5w
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

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  (608): Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college. http://tfl.nu/sy1r
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I love foreign exchange students.

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  (417): He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish. (1-417): I love foreign exchange students. http://tfl.nu/3hb4
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.

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  (+61): It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination. http://tfl.nu/nbvv
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.

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  (321): Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class. http://tfl.nu/1es6
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?

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  (401): you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react? http://tfl.nu/0set
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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  (712): i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat. http://tfl.nu/sn6a
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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  (330): I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam! (1-330): is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar? http://tfl.nu/c4pf
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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  (469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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  (706): saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal http://tfl.nu/ml27
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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  (918): IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request. http://tfl.nu/53d6
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.

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  (919): I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three. http://tfl.nu/4nlq
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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  (850): i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once http://tfl.nu/6uuj
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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  (270): Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/gp7l
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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  (917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

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  (832): either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes http://tfl.nu/ezez
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.

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  (931): He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance. http://tfl.nu/zsaz
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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  (660): Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes. http://tfl.nu/p00s
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?

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  (404): What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender? http://tfl.nu/bcp3
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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  (910): I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about. http://tfl.nu/tvk3
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  (646): View more from New York

  Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient

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  (646): Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient http://tfl.nu/jyiu
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?

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  (313): There's a paramedic out here, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/vsi3
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

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  (775): Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I. http://tfl.nu/56to
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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  (585): Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there http://tfl.nu/9lof
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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  (318): I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/2gyi
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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  (267): I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem http://tfl.nu/6rep
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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  (314): We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them. http://tfl.nu/7w09
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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  (503): well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up. http://tfl.nu/zf7z
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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  (419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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  (973): I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning. http://tfl.nu/dg43
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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  (567): i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255 http://tfl.nu/6ybk
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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  (+44): He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon http://tfl.nu/s25m
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  (805): View more from California

  You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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  (805): You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed. http://tfl.nu/chu6
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.

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  (734): So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things. http://tfl.nu/gsnh
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  (408): View more from California

  Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.

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  (408): Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class. http://tfl.nu/q2vz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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  (512): So....maintenance found the bullethole..... http://tfl.nu/54el
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.

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  (561): i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it. http://tfl.nu/80hm
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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  (270): I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in... http://tfl.nu/1w40
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

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  (613): at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner. http://tfl.nu/n8w7
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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  (801): I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand... http://tfl.nu/rby4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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  (917): Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her? http://tfl.nu/rn89
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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  (303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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  (918): Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet? http://tfl.nu/ki3z
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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  (512): You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication. http://tfl.nu/dq9l
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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  (973): Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings. http://tfl.nu/ds3w
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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  (410): she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night. http://tfl.nu/m7fi
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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  (413): the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings. http://tfl.nu/xbcs
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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  (605): You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/7njn
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  (469): View more from Texas

  The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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  (469): The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig. http://tfl.nu/4p0a
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  (949): View more from California

  is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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  (949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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  (336): he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater. http://tfl.nu/8ycg
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  (949): View more from California

  i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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  (949): i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day http://tfl.nu/7rcn
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?

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  (205): She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more? http://tfl.nu/6zzu
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  (914): View more from New York

  I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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  (914): I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot. http://tfl.nu/n3sv
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  (425): View more from Washington

  all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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  (425): all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help. http://tfl.nu/bkkn
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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  (289): Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working http://tfl.nu/bi46
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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  (815): i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried http://tfl.nu/ujpo
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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  (651): i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups http://tfl.nu/8ph5
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?

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  (208): Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain? http://tfl.nu/hz7f
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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  (418): I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out http://tfl.nu/dee8
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  (213): View more from California

  Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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  (213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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  (570): I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking. http://tfl.nu/bpgb
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  (254): View more from Texas

  In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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  (254): In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/fy1k
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.

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  (440): I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill. http://tfl.nu/321p
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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  (419): two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome http://tfl.nu/ey6z
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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  (620): In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night. http://tfl.nu/xvxy
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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  (705): Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it. http://tfl.nu/bw0n
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

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  (262): just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving http://tfl.nu/vnp1
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  (510): View more from California

  Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

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  (510): Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret. http://tfl.nu/p1m5
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  (904): View more from Florida

  she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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  (904): she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room... http://tfl.nu/wehm
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Mattress luging...It's a long story.

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  (503): Mattress luging...It's a long story. http://tfl.nu/0tlk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

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  (410): I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent http://tfl.nu/8hat
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  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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  (763): Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/2fqf
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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  (978): If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises. http://tfl.nu/xzxa
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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  (262): I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical. http://tfl.nu/ictl
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.

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  (773): The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing. http://tfl.nu/i0xb
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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  (636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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  (913): No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough. http://tfl.nu/u8ss
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  (530): View more from California

  regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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  (530): regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle http://tfl.nu/1njn
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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  (805): I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more. http://tfl.nu/p4p6
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  (949): View more from California

  Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

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  (949): Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick" http://tfl.nu/m9ln
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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  (575): Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again. http://tfl.nu/4z0a
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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  (765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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  (919): we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best http://tfl.nu/79hx
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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  (801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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  (763): lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab... http://tfl.nu/1m3b
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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  (305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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  (360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day http://tfl.nu/ru8t
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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  (937): It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs. http://tfl.nu/4p26
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job

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  (703): You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job http://tfl.nu/in54
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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  (775): Why is the garage door in the middle of the street? http://tfl.nu/rc41
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.

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  (506): I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/nsuy
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  (561): View more from Florida

  No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south

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  (561): No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south http://tfl.nu/5xop
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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  (814): I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild. http://tfl.nu/qodr
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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  (617): the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands http://tfl.nu/ha5y
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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  (215): Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost http://tfl.nu/oth1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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  (513): He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay http://tfl.nu/cp59
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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  (201): the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/8wsa
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

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  (303): Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic.... http://tfl.nu/nllq
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Missed another period

  (1-239): View more from Florida

  I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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  (239): Missed another period (1-239): I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair. http://tfl.nu/33ef
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.

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  (704): a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you. http://tfl.nu/45tv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain

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  (708): He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain http://tfl.nu/7dwy
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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  (229): She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever http://tfl.nu/g4y3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me

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  (703): i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me http://tfl.nu/57r1
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

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  (206): Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order. http://tfl.nu/s8w4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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  (202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout

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  (612): So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout http://tfl.nu/u300
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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  (937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back

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  (503): well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back http://tfl.nu/ecfc
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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  (606): I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it http://tfl.nu/8mat
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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  (817): he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet... http://tfl.nu/na2h
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  (310): View more from California

  ...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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  (310): ...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately." http://tfl.nu/g8d2
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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  (608): i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex http://tfl.nu/mh19
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  (281): View more from Texas

  He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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  (281): He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning. http://tfl.nu/ijln
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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  (757): yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd. http://tfl.nu/nagb
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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  (765): the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians.... http://tfl.nu/hvak
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  (631): View more from New York

  You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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  (631): You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it. http://tfl.nu/dj6o
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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  (785): this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln http://tfl.nu/pu0o
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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  (416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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  (734): i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up. http://tfl.nu/9mj6
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.

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  (901): He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor. http://tfl.nu/qeri
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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  (843): I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car. http://tfl.nu/mri5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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  (360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du
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  (817): View more from Texas

  And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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  (817): And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub http://tfl.nu/i3vc
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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  (+44): Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though. http://tfl.nu/3f7o
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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  (814): My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!! http://tfl.nu/fx6s
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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  (702): I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave. http://tfl.nu/8hoe
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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  (617): creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack. http://tfl.nu/jtst
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.

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  (970): I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it. http://tfl.nu/cqfe
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  (954): View more from Florida

  He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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  (954): He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up. http://tfl.nu/a8fn
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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  (516): Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/dwjq
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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  (850): I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper? http://tfl.nu/y2i2
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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  (503): There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever http://tfl.nu/502h
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk

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  (713): I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk http://tfl.nu/90hq
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  (830): View more from Texas

  Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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  (830): Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/q7ix
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  (850): View more from Florida

  "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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  (850): "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW? http://tfl.nu/ng2t
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.

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  (330): now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before. http://tfl.nu/kk2m
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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  (717): She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer. http://tfl.nu/9691
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

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  (519): Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it. http://tfl.nu/0omt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.

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  (215): She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her. http://tfl.nu/ocgj
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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  (386): Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target. http://tfl.nu/eg9l
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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  (719): You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either. http://tfl.nu/n0om
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.

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  (608): Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive. http://tfl.nu/vnho
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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  (416): sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you. http://tfl.nu/2uqq
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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  (250): Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs http://tfl.nu/msvp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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  (214): i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night. http://tfl.nu/pbft
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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  (505): judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too. http://tfl.nu/lecl
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  (510): View more from California

  Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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  (510): Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing. http://tfl.nu/5987
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.

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  (802): there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight. http://tfl.nu/b4oz
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  (845): View more from New York

  no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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  (845): no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion. http://tfl.nu/fs9l
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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  (781): if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it http://tfl.nu/706q
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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  (401): I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails. http://tfl.nu/8vyo
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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  (513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am http://tfl.nu/e35n
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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  (781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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  (843): Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night http://tfl.nu/lokc
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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  (215): Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet http://tfl.nu/qzss
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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  (812): They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban. http://tfl.nu/cwx8
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

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  (812): I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated http://tfl.nu/yas8
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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  (250): I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower http://tfl.nu/dtnj
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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  (218): Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about http://tfl.nu/idfh
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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  (306): How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid http://tfl.nu/1mq4
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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  (804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf
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  (949): View more from California

  Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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  (949): Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language. http://tfl.nu/y11c
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  (707): View more from California

  I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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  (707): I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child. http://tfl.nu/d3n6
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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  (719): we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall http://tfl.nu/c3tv
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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  (662): I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered. http://tfl.nu/u71a
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator

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  (703): Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator http://tfl.nu/f05m
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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  (410): i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame http://tfl.nu/8cpc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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  (503): I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus.. http://tfl.nu/6jqk
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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  (740): you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking http://tfl.nu/ha4q
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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  (904): I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana. http://tfl.nu/xfg3
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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  (517): I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high. http://tfl.nu/trcx
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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  (570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.

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  (785): I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call. http://tfl.nu/1vmr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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  (603): i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking http://tfl.nu/kntc
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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  (810): Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/9d1q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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  (732): I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest http://tfl.nu/b35x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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  (978): I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there. http://tfl.nu/oxsp
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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  (307): I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen. http://tfl.nu/qqp8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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  (214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5
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  (917): View more from New York City

  the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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  (917): the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there. http://tfl.nu/q6gx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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  (+44): You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you http://tfl.nu/o2s0
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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  (217): I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college? http://tfl.nu/03bi
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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  (+44): she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together. http://tfl.nu/1f9e
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's only a little bit crosseyed.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

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  (610): He's only a little bit crosseyed. (484): I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much. http://tfl.nu/gez3
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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  (702): She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note. http://tfl.nu/7aam
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.

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  (401): just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October. http://tfl.nu/w9iv
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  (909): View more from California

  I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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  (909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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  (+61): She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/h0jn
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  (209): View more from California

  She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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  (209): She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge. http://tfl.nu/14lm
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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  (303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq
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  (817): View more from Texas

  she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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  (817): she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student. http://tfl.nu/paxd
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  (315): View more from New York

  don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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  (315): don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there http://tfl.nu/ybdj
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....

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  (256): Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea.... http://tfl.nu/8lgf
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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  (480): I think this baby is eyeing my beer http://tfl.nu/6ms6
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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  (904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do. http://tfl.nu/0tan
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I miss vodka workout Fridays

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  (786): I miss vodka workout Fridays http://tfl.nu/gp5l
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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  (613): you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there. http://tfl.nu/1v1m
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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  (573): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/8e5m
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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  (226): I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop. http://tfl.nu/0sxf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

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  (513): successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here http://tfl.nu/y491
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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  (832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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  (403): well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon http://tfl.nu/7c63
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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  (317): update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good. http://tfl.nu/p2ef
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Thats like the definition of a good friend

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  (224): You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me. (630): Thats like the definition of a good friend http://tfl.nu/1tf7
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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  (618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar. http://tfl.nu/mv1g
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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  (412): Why are there maracas in the dishwasher? http://tfl.nu/o2j7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (561): View more from Florida

  His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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  (561): His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face. http://tfl.nu/pof4
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  (213): View more from California

  dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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  (213): dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring. http://tfl.nu/vd81
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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  (606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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  (+61): We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well. http://tfl.nu/yavz
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.

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  (802): he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont. (1-802): it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup. http://tfl.nu/03vx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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  (303): It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively... http://tfl.nu/4ljl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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  (610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z
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  (239): View more from Florida

  While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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  (239): While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth". http://tfl.nu/xyop
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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  (508): Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you. http://tfl.nu/gxjs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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  (815): New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink. http://tfl.nu/5ry5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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  (303): this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now. http://tfl.nu/u25e
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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  (228): For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears. http://tfl.nu/udc5
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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  (202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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  (774): In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES. http://tfl.nu/idd1
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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  (405): You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up. http://tfl.nu/06n7
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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  (239): Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls? http://tfl.nu/pmwm
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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  (828): I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now http://tfl.nu/merq
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  (817): View more from Texas

  When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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  (817): When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. http://tfl.nu/ucur
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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  (413): How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets http://tfl.nu/sjge
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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  (612): I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him http://tfl.nu/slwx
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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  (404): He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on." http://tfl.nu/t6j5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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  (508): He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him http://tfl.nu/0v7f
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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  (973): America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am http://tfl.nu/1gc0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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  (402): He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him. http://tfl.nu/b1lr
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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  (402): On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms. http://tfl.nu/59ye
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  (607): View more from New York

  please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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  (607): please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already http://tfl.nu/5kxb
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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  (570): do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome. http://tfl.nu/5az6
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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  (803): He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex. http://tfl.nu/kpvm
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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  (785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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  (219): He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot. http://tfl.nu/xkom
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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  (586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (315): View more from New York

  its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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  (315): its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus http://tfl.nu/cdww
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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  (973): her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it. http://tfl.nu/lrhx
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  (661): View more from California

  So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

  (818): View more from California

  I hate you.

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  (661): So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night? (818): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/ps95
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  (212): View more from New York

  The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

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  (212): The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line. http://tfl.nu/abdb
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  (817): View more from Texas

  All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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  (817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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  (610): advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back http://tfl.nu/339g
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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  (615): But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume... http://tfl.nu/x6iy
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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  (289): The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight. http://tfl.nu/z22w
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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  (301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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  (907): I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized. http://tfl.nu/0yaa
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  (727): View more from Florida

  would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

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  (727): would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right? http://tfl.nu/emka
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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  (505): she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes http://tfl.nu/9qtj
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.

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  (540): we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate. http://tfl.nu/t1ac
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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  (270): The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned. http://tfl.nu/9j2r
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  (818): View more from California

  Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...

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  (818): Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth... http://tfl.nu/7gxw
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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  (606): I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me. (1-606): Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons. http://tfl.nu/drp9
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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  (724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...

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  (970): I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house... http://tfl.nu/qa28
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

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  (910): I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through. http://tfl.nu/z33k
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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  (260): How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content? http://tfl.nu/u3hm
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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  (757): she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them... http://tfl.nu/ior4
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  (315): View more from New York

  and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...

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  (315): and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame... http://tfl.nu/05iu
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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  (520): She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist. http://tfl.nu/mma2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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  (412): You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy? http://tfl.nu/p3a3
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay

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  (647): Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay http://tfl.nu/st3m
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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  (402): Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you http://tfl.nu/279j
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  (530): View more from California

  There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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  (530): There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool. http://tfl.nu/gbzx
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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  (201): I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it http://tfl.nu/a65q
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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  (918): I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/1tot
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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  (604): She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows. http://tfl.nu/2hzy
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  (909): View more from California

  She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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  (909): She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle. http://tfl.nu/v9v9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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  (519): so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious. http://tfl.nu/hyyw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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  (319): just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa... http://tfl.nu/k3oe
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (925): View more from California

  These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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  (925): These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot. http://tfl.nu/wa4w
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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  (905): the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/6bmb
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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  (641): she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"... http://tfl.nu/ydyy
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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  (570): Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city. http://tfl.nu/2blw
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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  (620): She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever http://tfl.nu/3n5f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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  (203): I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole. http://tfl.nu/9iug
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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  (425): Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older. http://tfl.nu/u48g
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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  (204): Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments http://tfl.nu/8aia
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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  (306): It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story. http://tfl.nu/6m1s
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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  (228): Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer. http://tfl.nu/k59r
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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  (307): The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story (307): The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nooi
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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  (773): literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in http://tfl.nu/d9qi
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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  (773): After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in. http://tfl.nu/8v36
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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  (360): Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall. http://tfl.nu/7ndl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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  (215): thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins http://tfl.nu/qdth
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.

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  (785): U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r. http://tfl.nu/crq7
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  (818): View more from California

  i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

  (805): View more from California

  i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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  (818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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  (252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x
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  (415): View more from California

  had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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  (415): had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon http://tfl.nu/bpcz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

  (518): View more from New York

  I am in love with you.

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  (203): Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think. (518): I am in love with you. http://tfl.nu/yy5e
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

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  (708): sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful http://tfl.nu/0wk6
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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  (903): I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink. http://tfl.nu/zmqp
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  (646): View more from New York

  So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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  (646): So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex. http://tfl.nu/jc5g
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  (716): View more from New York

  It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

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  (716): It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it. http://tfl.nu/308e
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  what?how do you know?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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  (318): i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday.. (1-318): what?how do you know? (318): it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet. http://tfl.nu/gg1h
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  (214): View more from Texas

  His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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  (214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s
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  (801): View more from Utah

  two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?

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  (801): two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me? http://tfl.nu/3spk
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...

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  (843): Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks.... (843): I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one... http://tfl.nu/xuml
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.

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  (708): She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life. http://tfl.nu/33lt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

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  (514): Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank http://tfl.nu/3d4y
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.

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  (912): well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing. http://tfl.nu/4jog
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  (716): View more from New York

  Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting

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  (716): Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting http://tfl.nu/p9om
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"

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  (419): He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry" http://tfl.nu/v0z5
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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  (801): You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them. http://tfl.nu/lphx
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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  (609): they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate. http://tfl.nu/wnmg
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  (510): View more from California

  I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms

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  (510): I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms http://tfl.nu/txtg
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country

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  (304): She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country http://tfl.nu/39z8
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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  (902): I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park http://tfl.nu/d8es
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

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  (803): she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often http://tfl.nu/h6kk
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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  (716): I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone? http://tfl.nu/d362
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five

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  (403): On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five http://tfl.nu/a3rp
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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  (502): Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this. http://tfl.nu/29p7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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  (270): Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat http://tfl.nu/vugk
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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  (336): That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on! http://tfl.nu/2bv6
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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  (713): He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop. http://tfl.nu/xdpv
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (661): View more from California

  the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero

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  (661): the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero http://tfl.nu/o327
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  (818): View more from California

  They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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  (818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.

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  (814): You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride. http://tfl.nu/0b9w
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  (415): View more from California

  apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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  (415): apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window http://tfl.nu/1uz3
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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  (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping. http://tfl.nu/l6f0
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy

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  (574): He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy http://tfl.nu/cwdv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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  (708): I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off. http://tfl.nu/ln09
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.

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  (713): Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go. http://tfl.nu/z9ow
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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  (226): Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again http://tfl.nu/v9b0
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.

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  (810): She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again. http://tfl.nu/2zep
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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  (816): Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet http://tfl.nu/ftvp
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  (415): View more from California

  You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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  (415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off. http://tfl.nu/eb22
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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  (804): My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am. http://tfl.nu/wlcl
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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  (407): I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging http://tfl.nu/yisg
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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  (920): Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around... http://tfl.nu/q37r
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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  (231): you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob. http://tfl.nu/xbl2
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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  (612): i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain http://tfl.nu/an1d
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat

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  (847): just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat http://tfl.nu/d5wq
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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  (678): Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend http://tfl.nu/u7rd
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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  (508): It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym http://tfl.nu/opd7
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

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  (218): Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/z804
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..

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  (973): can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces.. http://tfl.nu/3uan
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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  (703): Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college. http://tfl.nu/9le9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so basically your not goin out tonight?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  who said that?

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  (301): dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow (410): so basically your not goin out tonight? (301): who said that? http://tfl.nu/qimw
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home

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  (412): when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home http://tfl.nu/u8cd
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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  (704): they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming. http://tfl.nu/eg1m
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  (806): View more from Texas

  That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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  (806): That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car. http://tfl.nu/uk3l
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Are you high?

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  (630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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  (616): So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together. http://tfl.nu/gv0c
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  (+46): View more from Sweden

  being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad

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  (+46): being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad http://tfl.nu/w2cq
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  (727): View more from Florida

  the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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  (727): the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick http://tfl.nu/3g66
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

  (404): View more from Georgia

  YES.

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  (678): NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree (404): YES. http://tfl.nu/chua
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (302): I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/y6ds
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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  (904): Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up. http://tfl.nu/3e3n
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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  (229): You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru http://tfl.nu/iwra
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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  (617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

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  (303): I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff http://tfl.nu/0hbk
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

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  (260): It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs. http://tfl.nu/yz88
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go

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  (410): There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go http://tfl.nu/lquj
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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  (807): I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight? http://tfl.nu/7h08
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  (518): View more from New York

  you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

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  (518): you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved http://tfl.nu/hfsv
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  (805): View more from California

  you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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  (805): you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible http://tfl.nu/6jjf
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven

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  (804): just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven http://tfl.nu/wd21
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?

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  (401): I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper? http://tfl.nu/78fg
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.

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  (256): I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means. http://tfl.nu/u00p
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  (754): View more from Florida

  Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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  (754): Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day http://tfl.nu/l2mr
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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  (417): Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable http://tfl.nu/hmli
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

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  (802): She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave. http://tfl.nu/huhd
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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  (817): I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!" http://tfl.nu/bikn
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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  (205): Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable. http://tfl.nu/h65h
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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  (702): So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this" http://tfl.nu/lsrz
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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  (954): We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver. http://tfl.nu/zvig
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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  (314): Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault. http://tfl.nu/cvk2
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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  (608): May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in. http://tfl.nu/2att
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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  (412): Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes." http://tfl.nu/8fia
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked

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  (908): I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked http://tfl.nu/8tmt
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  (914): View more from New York

  So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.

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  (914): So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great. http://tfl.nu/w708
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  (518): View more from New York

  i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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  (518): i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that. http://tfl.nu/4wam
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
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  (713): View more from Texas

  After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

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  (713): After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad. http://tfl.nu/y2nw
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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  (702): She's never allowed to turn 21 again http://tfl.nu/eyqp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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  (612): My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment. http://tfl.nu/bb74
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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  (814): Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh. http://tfl.nu/s2cz
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  (239): View more from Florida

  all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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  (239): all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut http://tfl.nu/x9ek
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  (585): View more from New York

  just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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  (585): just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse. http://tfl.nu/g20v
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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  (815): drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me. http://tfl.nu/k6i1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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  (609): You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke. http://tfl.nu/1rx3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.

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  (203): I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further. http://tfl.nu/4sxq
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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  (423): Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out http://tfl.nu/rbnc
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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  (812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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  (334): How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing. http://tfl.nu/ut8a
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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  (678): I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy http://tfl.nu/r472
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  (631): View more from New York

  do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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  (631): do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis? http://tfl.nu/tizi
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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  (843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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  (215): Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/3cxs
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Sucks about the cops last night

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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  (609): Sucks about the cops last night (848): to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party.. http://tfl.nu/rv14
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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  (781): he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness... (413): how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers http://tfl.nu/137y
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.

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  (651): She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can. http://tfl.nu/7y77
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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  (850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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  (318): the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese. http://tfl.nu/xs1m
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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  (417): You totally left a blue butt print on our banister (573): Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time. http://tfl.nu/r57f
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.

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  (601): Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate. http://tfl.nu/i871
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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  (740): I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign? http://tfl.nu/ahav
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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  (250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura
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  (281): View more from Texas

  His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

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  (281): His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled http://tfl.nu/gplx
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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  (715): Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy! (218): I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head. http://tfl.nu/0svk
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.

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  (856): I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster. http://tfl.nu/w6xc
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (917): View more from New York City

  They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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  (917): They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party. http://tfl.nu/9044
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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  (515): the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point http://tfl.nu/syrq
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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  (727): I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this. http://tfl.nu/jm8u
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  (850): View more from Florida

  i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

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  (850): i did the responsible thing and pissed myself... http://tfl.nu/5qb4
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms

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  (804): you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms http://tfl.nu/vyht
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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  (757): You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors.... http://tfl.nu/43xp
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.

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  (610): I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird. http://tfl.nu/pqr9
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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  (850): Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night. http://tfl.nu/mu48
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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  (303): Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks... http://tfl.nu/ccgl
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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  (603): Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college. http://tfl.nu/nve2
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  (207): View more from Maine

  we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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  (207): we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet? http://tfl.nu/uydl
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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  (203): theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him http://tfl.nu/busx
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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  (250): she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza http://tfl.nu/2a0o
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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  (248): To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet.... http://tfl.nu/cx4o
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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  (774): Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach http://tfl.nu/gl5r
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.

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  (813): Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator. http://tfl.nu/65uw
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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  (724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey
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  (707): View more from California

  just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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  (707): just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved. http://tfl.nu/zste
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion

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  (904): I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion http://tfl.nu/iqkp
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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  (440): Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet. http://tfl.nu/2c2c
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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  (401): I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs. http://tfl.nu/di07
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  (818): View more from California

  I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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  (818): I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them. http://tfl.nu/l7o1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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  (301): Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm? http://tfl.nu/94o0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

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  (732): on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card http://tfl.nu/pv0m
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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  (270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de
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  (727): View more from Florida

  he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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  (727): he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal? http://tfl.nu/v8vs
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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  (850): my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster. http://tfl.nu/974x
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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  (+31): Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing http://tfl.nu/rk5x
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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  (954): We're sending your burrito through the mail slot. http://tfl.nu/pddr
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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  (480): New game: find the sober person in Tbell http://tfl.nu/sv6g
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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  (901): i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life http://tfl.nu/drtj
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  (727): View more from Florida

  she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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  (727): she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex http://tfl.nu/jq0b
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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  (517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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  (620): He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time. http://tfl.nu/dyz5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.

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  (303): Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me. http://tfl.nu/hog8
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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  (817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/7tmi
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  (631): View more from New York

  the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care

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  (631): the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care http://tfl.nu/lqt5
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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  (306): We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love. http://tfl.nu/cwg6
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.

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  (832): Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen. http://tfl.nu/umfy
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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  (517): He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time http://tfl.nu/hxad
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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  (815): I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT. http://tfl.nu/gdsf
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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  (484): we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song. http://tfl.nu/huqy
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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  (787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while http://tfl.nu/u6qo
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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  (763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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  (425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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  (303): It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tf1g
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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  (678): He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa? http://tfl.nu/j68l
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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  (217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside http://tfl.nu/d6yu
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits

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  (860): I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits http://tfl.nu/yqhn
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  (925): View more from California

  Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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  (925): Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear. http://tfl.nu/48r4
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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  (443): I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong http://tfl.nu/v2kj
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  (916): View more from California

  on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

  (1-916): View more from California

  your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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  (916): on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day. (1-916): your optimism is becoming unhealthy http://tfl.nu/nzqt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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  (513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS! http://tfl.nu/o380
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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  (570): I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days. http://tfl.nu/quks
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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  (865): His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation... http://tfl.nu/uas5
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  (347): View more from New York

  when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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  (347): when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign http://tfl.nu/d21d
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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  (201): Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man. http://tfl.nu/hm6h
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  (786): View more from Florida

  What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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  (786): What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her? http://tfl.nu/v1vy
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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  (774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp
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  (562): View more from California

  you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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  (562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u
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  (914): View more from New York

  shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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  (914): shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness http://tfl.nu/7ruk
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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  (314): DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT?? http://tfl.nu/2vmn
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have one question about last night

  (646): View more from New York

  if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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  (516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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  (303): Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent. http://tfl.nu/g68o
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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  (267): I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe. http://tfl.nu/k42a
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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  (732): apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok" http://tfl.nu/q772
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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  (514): Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene? http://tfl.nu/zsme
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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  (443): This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night. http://tfl.nu/mfsu
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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  (502): If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was. http://tfl.nu/20o3
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  (518): View more from New York

  he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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  (518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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  (705): She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that. (905): I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory. http://tfl.nu/dnea
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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  (859): They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college. http://tfl.nu/okdu
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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  (785): Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets". http://tfl.nu/227d
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
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  (707): View more from California

  He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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  (707): He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/vg98
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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  (412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party? http://tfl.nu/4j0b
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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  (757): No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire http://tfl.nu/j9c5
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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  (614): So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date... http://tfl.nu/r091
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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  (619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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  (678): He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going. http://tfl.nu/db5s
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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  (416): You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill.. http://tfl.nu/sqyp
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ...... wtf.

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  (816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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  (404): My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/ev36
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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  (908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?! http://tfl.nu/h7d0
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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  (253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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  (913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....

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  (309): so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower.... http://tfl.nu/5ddp
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  (805): View more from California

  That bad?

  (1-805): View more from California

  Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.

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  (805): That bad? (1-805): Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding. http://tfl.nu/ntsx
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  (607): View more from New York

  She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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  (607): She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle http://tfl.nu/wl70
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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  (630): Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night. http://tfl.nu/wu2q
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  (716): View more from New York

  i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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  (716): i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left. http://tfl.nu/3kuf
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

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  (440): my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement. http://tfl.nu/zd8a
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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  (540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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  (443): her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does" http://tfl.nu/16y8
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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  (815): Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart http://tfl.nu/4qqp
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  You tried to poop in the sink last night.

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  (856): You tried to poop in the sink last night. http://tfl.nu/6e7d
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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  (608): Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard. http://tfl.nu/diwn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

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  (330): nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks. http://tfl.nu/s7xn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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  (732): You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name. http://tfl.nu/cvf5
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  (714): View more from California

  the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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  (714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester http://tfl.nu/u653
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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  (412): At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks? http://tfl.nu/fbfw
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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  (620): throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex http://tfl.nu/5t79
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (365): View more from

  Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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  (365): Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mm7j
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  (516): View more from New York

  She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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  (516): She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning http://tfl.nu/jaay
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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  (785): he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense http://tfl.nu/p2yr
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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  (802): hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up http://tfl.nu/zwwo
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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  (703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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  (570): as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing" http://tfl.nu/9hoo
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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  (630): You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot http://tfl.nu/u2s7
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  (516): View more from New York

  i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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  (516): i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang. http://tfl.nu/ryqf
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  (347): View more from New York

  How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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  (347): How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka" http://tfl.nu/7oja
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife

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  (306): Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife http://tfl.nu/6k5s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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  (303): the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night http://tfl.nu/fwes
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

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  (815): Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye http://tfl.nu/ds98
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (646): View more from New York

  its my first week of college and i have a UTI

  (718): View more from New York

  not easy being a whore now is it

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  (646): its my first week of college and i have a UTI (718): not easy being a whore now is it http://tfl.nu/tyxw
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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  (812): You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party http://tfl.nu/gmt6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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  (617): It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game http://tfl.nu/6jkk
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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  (816): you were mass sexting so we took your phone away http://tfl.nu/u2si
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  (325): View more from Texas

  The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am

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  (325): The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am http://tfl.nu/kqzx
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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  (317): He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/3k3l
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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  (318): I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now http://tfl.nu/xdsb
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.

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  (201): Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it. http://tfl.nu/rf1i
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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  (870): He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed." http://tfl.nu/z9xx
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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  (604): All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea? http://tfl.nu/njfe
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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  (910): I just made Jack Daniels snow cones. http://tfl.nu/ca8x
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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  (601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93
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  (845): View more from New York

  it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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  (845): it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we http://tfl.nu/wm4n
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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  (309): ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet. http://tfl.nu/oxv5
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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  (403): I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse http://tfl.nu/d3ev
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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  (479): Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out. http://tfl.nu/6ock
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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  (701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.

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  (570): I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse. http://tfl.nu/2dei
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  (518): View more from New York

  he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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  (518): he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left. http://tfl.nu/59ww
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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  (732): you tipped EVERY employee at white castle http://tfl.nu/d5zv
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  (310): View more from California

  I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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  (310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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  (623): Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple http://tfl.nu/1j5u
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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  (757): You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis" http://tfl.nu/xzec
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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  (305): you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store http://tfl.nu/0ult
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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  (847): I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem http://tfl.nu/9xlk
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

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  (412): Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends.. http://tfl.nu/z85j
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  story of my life.

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  (717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz
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  (845): View more from New York

  You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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  (845): You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately. http://tfl.nu/vwdv
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  (650): View more from California

  Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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  (650): Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila. http://tfl.nu/lwvd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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  (630): I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit. http://tfl.nu/afy7
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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  (270): Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience. http://tfl.nu/d64j
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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  (703): then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives http://tfl.nu/iy6u
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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  (610): You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice... http://tfl.nu/x7so
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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  (615): My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed. http://tfl.nu/zn3p
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  (917): View more from New York City

  You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking

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  (917): You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking http://tfl.nu/a0v5
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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  (630): Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box. http://tfl.nu/2fsf
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  (206): View more from Washington

  obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

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  (206): obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol. http://tfl.nu/y9qf
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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  (615): all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident http://tfl.nu/nfc5
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Why is your signature on my underwear?

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  (419): Why is your signature on my underwear? http://tfl.nu/8itl
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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  (785): It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night... http://tfl.nu/p0ds
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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  (541): I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on. http://tfl.nu/viag
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (607): View more from New York

  Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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  (607): Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles http://tfl.nu/47mn
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  (631): View more from New York

  I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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  (631): I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude http://tfl.nu/oumf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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  (917): Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th. http://tfl.nu/pukg
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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  (520): Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already. http://tfl.nu/ffp6
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  i flashed his best friends last night

  (1-416): View more from Toronto

  you always were good at making good first impressions

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  (416): i flashed his best friends last night (1-416): you always were good at making good first impressions http://tfl.nu/b564
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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  (505): She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night. http://tfl.nu/d1vk
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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  (859): I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college. http://tfl.nu/f01w
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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  (712): Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be. http://tfl.nu/n7rl
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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  (217): The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time. http://tfl.nu/mdb9
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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  (804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism

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  (862): I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism http://tfl.nu/6czv
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  (916): View more from California

  I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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  (916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Fuck you.

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  (703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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  (978): as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..." http://tfl.nu/w3wh
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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  (413): your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often http://tfl.nu/h345
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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  (313): remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall http://tfl.nu/brex
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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  (828): yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store http://tfl.nu/iz0y
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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  (502): update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive. http://tfl.nu/e1l9
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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  (917): you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit http://tfl.nu/h4ki
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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  (913): i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire. http://tfl.nu/gd8k
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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  (281): I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO. http://tfl.nu/9byh
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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  (505): We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!" http://tfl.nu/sk68
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer

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  (813): The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer http://tfl.nu/rmdc
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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  (413): I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job http://tfl.nu/ruqn
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  (716): View more from New York

  The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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  (716): The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast http://tfl.nu/b4kl
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

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  (978): the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year. http://tfl.nu/sg85
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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  (205): After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok. http://tfl.nu/maiz
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  (772): View more from Florida

  The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

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  (772): The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle. http://tfl.nu/irdh
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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  (419): You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text? http://tfl.nu/28br
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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  (303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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  (+44): can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant? http://tfl.nu/3x8e
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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  (541): I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad? http://tfl.nu/iz9x
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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  (647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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  (403): He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food http://tfl.nu/demt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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  (231): I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers! http://tfl.nu/0unq
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  (516): View more from New York

  OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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  (516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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  (757): you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK. http://tfl.nu/qo45
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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  (734): Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual. http://tfl.nu/o9rr
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say

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  (847): better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say http://tfl.nu/y3uc
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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  (419): All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2lvs
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  K. On the way. I need a drink.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Like a drink drink or like water?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Have we met?

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  (601): K. On the way. I need a drink. (904): Like a drink drink or like water? (601): Have we met? http://tfl.nu/ckaw
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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  (780): I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/nb18
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  (917): View more from New York City

  The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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  (917): The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name. http://tfl.nu/eftw
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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  (910): Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically. http://tfl.nu/2hl3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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  (203): If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him? http://tfl.nu/p8ua
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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  (724): I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night http://tfl.nu/2zdr
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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  (573): A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb. http://tfl.nu/1cz1
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/111s
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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  (330): Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you. http://tfl.nu/fmxs
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  (555): View more from

  She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.

  (555): View more from

  Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.

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  (555): She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome. (555): Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there. http://tfl.nu/h5mq
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

  (1-239): View more from Florida

  You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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  (239): I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling (1-239): You hooked up with minors in a golf cart? http://tfl.nu/sx7k
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  (845): View more from New York

  i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.

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  (845): i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now. http://tfl.nu/ygdu
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  (718): View more from New York

  If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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  (718): If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs. http://tfl.nu/jfp1
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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  (630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate. http://tfl.nu/tob7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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  (503): After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him. http://tfl.nu/iy8v
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  (801): View more from Utah

  So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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  (801): So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away http://tfl.nu/h2fc
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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  (715): i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead. http://tfl.nu/xiio
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

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  (480): We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids. http://tfl.nu/o5lf
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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  (979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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  (970): I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment. http://tfl.nu/cc9w
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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  (256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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  (617): so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic? http://tfl.nu/c421
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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  (804): he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america. http://tfl.nu/700m
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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  (859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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  (828): That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library http://tfl.nu/vcd5
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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  (610): I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show? http://tfl.nu/56pk
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  (714): View more from California

  My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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  (714): My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win. http://tfl.nu/b8se
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  (716): View more from New York

  He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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  (716): He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready. http://tfl.nu/z83a
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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  (917): I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear. http://tfl.nu/517j
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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  (973): i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones. http://tfl.nu/f4fy
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  (661): View more from California

  I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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  (661): I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka. http://tfl.nu/da8y
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  (619): View more from California

  I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.

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  (619): I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas. http://tfl.nu/5tys
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  (347): View more from New York

  I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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  (347): I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there. http://tfl.nu/8ypv
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686
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  (760): View more from California

  Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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  (760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom... http://tfl.nu/f7p5
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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  (912): Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony http://tfl.nu/e5l6
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  So you had sex with my brother?

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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  (520): So you had sex with my brother? (1-520): It sounds like you dont need me to answer that. http://tfl.nu/xsv7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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  (512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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  (507): Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club http://tfl.nu/ln6l
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (714): View more from California

  Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

  (562): View more from California

  You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

  (714): View more from California

  Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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  (714): Hahaha you puked all over his shirt. (562): You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch. (714): Well someones bitter they didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/4mgl
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  He just wants an even tan

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  (860): I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked. (1-860): He just wants an even tan http://tfl.nu/akk9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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  (519): You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know. http://tfl.nu/dzr5
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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  (201): oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay. http://tfl.nu/lkny
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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  (301): She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice.... http://tfl.nu/0ncm
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  (432): View more from Texas

  To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway

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  (432): To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway http://tfl.nu/h9fr
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

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  (512): He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club. http://tfl.nu/qxuv
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.

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  (850): We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun. http://tfl.nu/0mma
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent

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  (608): I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent http://tfl.nu/fgks
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.

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  (410): she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love. http://tfl.nu/0ws2
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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  (860): drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy http://tfl.nu/cj1r
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

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  (816): at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea? http://tfl.nu/mw1i
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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  (913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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  (763): someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless http://tfl.nu/hdeq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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  (512): i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving http://tfl.nu/xstl
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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  (267): he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana. http://tfl.nu/oxo3
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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  (410): There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/a558
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

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  (702): as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor.... http://tfl.nu/g9pf
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  (716): View more from New York

  just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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  (716): just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that. http://tfl.nu/r8dq
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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  (410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her. http://tfl.nu/tg03
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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  (423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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  (513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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  (773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years. http://tfl.nu/9eix
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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  (765): I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome. http://tfl.nu/mczw
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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  (616): There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by. http://tfl.nu/au1s
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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  (785): Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him http://tfl.nu/x0sm
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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  (631): I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary. http://tfl.nu/rbbj
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  (818): View more from California

  Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

  (818): View more from California

  And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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  (818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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  (617): wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara..... http://tfl.nu/je0j
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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  (603): did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless. http://tfl.nu/v4st
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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  (973): i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit http://tfl.nu/ux8z
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  (631): View more from New York

  You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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  (631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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  (403): I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize http://tfl.nu/xooj
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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  (570): In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/ifkh
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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  (978): The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous http://tfl.nu/iens
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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  (770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  It was only one, it doesn't count.

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  (978): I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES". (781): It was only one, it doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/lfgz
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

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  (724): I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it! http://tfl.nu/y71c
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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  (732): I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it. http://tfl.nu/c1o6
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.

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  (405): He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left. http://tfl.nu/juzo
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  (585): View more from New York

  there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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  (585): there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk http://tfl.nu/9sjy
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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  (260): I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie http://tfl.nu/6pmw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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  (207): He violated my cat. I was not impressed. http://tfl.nu/2ip6
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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  (501): At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening http://tfl.nu/z1ws
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  (512): View more from Texas

  and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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  (512): and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through http://tfl.nu/6tx9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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  (303): I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on http://tfl.nu/bnty
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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  (401): it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/14gf
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm so horny

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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  (816): I'm so horny (913): I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect http://tfl.nu/ggyh
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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  (337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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  (708): I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard http://tfl.nu/i4gj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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  (248): your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood. http://tfl.nu/qlw2
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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  (908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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  (703): The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up. http://tfl.nu/ttp7
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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  (402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow http://tfl.nu/h8bi
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I spit up blood this morning

  (206): View more from Washington

  That's vegas.

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  (919): I spit up blood this morning (206): That's vegas. http://tfl.nu/44z7
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  (914): View more from New York

  Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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  (914): Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him http://tfl.nu/h9ln
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  (585): View more from New York

  Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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  (585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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  (651): I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister. http://tfl.nu/ezh5
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  (831): View more from California

  So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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  (831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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  (239): apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms http://tfl.nu/7buk
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  tequila makes me forget i have legs

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  (250): tequila makes me forget i have legs http://tfl.nu/9rzk
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  (209): View more from California

  Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

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  (209): Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on? http://tfl.nu/ru4x
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that

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  (289): i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that http://tfl.nu/oz0t
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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  (419): i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me http://tfl.nu/hyzr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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  (919): I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels. http://tfl.nu/lt6v
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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  (705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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  (262): The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up http://tfl.nu/qgka
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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  (920): Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with. http://tfl.nu/j9qw
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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  (202): the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine. http://tfl.nu/yvwg
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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  (713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan. http://tfl.nu/gm7k
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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  (727): Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize http://tfl.nu/86pd
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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  (973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw
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  (916): View more from California

  Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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  (916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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  (+49): They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany! http://tfl.nu/9nli
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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  (412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

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  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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  (330): My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob http://tfl.nu/j762
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.

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  (765): I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot. http://tfl.nu/xw8q
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.

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  (817): Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again. http://tfl.nu/k3cq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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  (303): You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat http://tfl.nu/m0wi
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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  (978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore. http://tfl.nu/4chi
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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  (250): I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way http://tfl.nu/xurx
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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  (828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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  (708): Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity. http://tfl.nu/m9p5
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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  (443): i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007 http://tfl.nu/tyl3
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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  (301): Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get http://tfl.nu/ews4
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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  (773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom? http://tfl.nu/o0zg
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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  (+44): He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.' http://tfl.nu/uc3v
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.

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  (256): Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs. http://tfl.nu/y8sy
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting

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  (201): i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting http://tfl.nu/qjw5
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  (425): View more from Washington

  oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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  (425): oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog http://tfl.nu/rz7h
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just said the magic words

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  (484): We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE. (610): You just said the magic words http://tfl.nu/8k47
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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  (484): You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?" http://tfl.nu/prc0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  there was naked duck duck goose

  (703): View more from Virginia

  how does that even get suggested?!

  (815): View more from Illinois

  after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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  (815): there was naked duck duck goose (703): how does that even get suggested?! (815): after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal http://tfl.nu/ykdy
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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  (843): You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield. http://tfl.nu/umxp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.

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  (303): I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more. http://tfl.nu/r5mk
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!

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  (307): When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"! http://tfl.nu/t4t6
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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  (615): im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused. http://tfl.nu/4oz4
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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  (402): When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/jbik
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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  (863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i don't really know how much tequila is too much

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  (815): i don't really know how much tequila is too much http://tfl.nu/p5o7
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good

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  (413): well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good http://tfl.nu/4dfc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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  (412): My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now http://tfl.nu/563a
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  (716): View more from New York

  kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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  (716): kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year http://tfl.nu/qbpm
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  (561): View more from Florida

  so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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  (561): so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same http://tfl.nu/2qn4
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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  (765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx
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  (650): View more from California

  an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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  (650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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  (702): Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog. http://tfl.nu/spgx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.

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  (630): I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong. http://tfl.nu/nqbt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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  (850): She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever http://tfl.nu/uwj0
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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  (414): I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud? (262): Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing http://tfl.nu/ndin
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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  (289): So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already http://tfl.nu/wb0t
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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  (219): By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone http://tfl.nu/czmq
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  (530): View more from California

  We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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  (530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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  (405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
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  (650): View more from California

  We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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  (650): We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag. http://tfl.nu/1x8m
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  (914): View more from New York

  I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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  (914): I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here. http://tfl.nu/s43y
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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  (630): slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed http://tfl.nu/wcfq
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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  (757): Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore. http://tfl.nu/pqxc
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.

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  (206): He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful. http://tfl.nu/c0jh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
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  (305): View more from Florida

  once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away

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  (305): once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away http://tfl.nu/wxv7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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  (330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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  (505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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  (519): all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat" http://tfl.nu/ukas
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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  (703): I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history. http://tfl.nu/nchu
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  (949): View more from California

  im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever

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  (949): im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever http://tfl.nu/2bk7
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  (707): View more from California

  She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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  (707): She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed. http://tfl.nu/z812
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.

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  (281): I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely. http://tfl.nu/tovx
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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  (508): Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk http://tfl.nu/i7vt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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  (732): Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar http://tfl.nu/9kou
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?

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  (250): Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point? http://tfl.nu/14m2
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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  (443): He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid http://tfl.nu/u0xl
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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  (402): Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown. http://tfl.nu/l3ul
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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  (605): I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF? http://tfl.nu/tx7k
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck now we have to have sex

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  What?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  In a bet, need to win

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  (203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

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  (410): Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem. http://tfl.nu/4xkw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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  (703): no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing. http://tfl.nu/bnv5
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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  (304): I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk. http://tfl.nu/30xs
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?

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  (513): Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude? http://tfl.nu/2xw8
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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  (902): you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it. http://tfl.nu/s8ya
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Why are you covered in frosting?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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  (952): Why are you covered in frosting? (262): Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy. http://tfl.nu/9hct
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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  (315): I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever. http://tfl.nu/6dcd
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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  (978): went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed http://tfl.nu/x5dq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...

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  (815): he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is... http://tfl.nu/ocys
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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  (505): You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night http://tfl.nu/jwrk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  What?

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dont open the beer drawer.

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  (352): Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge. (1-352): What? (352): Just dont open the beer drawer. http://tfl.nu/02la
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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  (860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you. http://tfl.nu/g8rz
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  (661): View more from California

  I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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  (661): I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it http://tfl.nu/bivl
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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  (802): But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was! http://tfl.nu/nt2c
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  (206): View more from Washington

  woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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  (206): woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night http://tfl.nu/9u90
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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  (215): I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning (215): My face left an imprint in the loaf... http://tfl.nu/s8i8
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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  (804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9
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  (315): View more from New York

  thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.

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  (315): thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often. http://tfl.nu/bjyl
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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  (250): the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember. http://tfl.nu/upty
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  (408): View more from California

  Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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  (408): Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this http://tfl.nu/4kx4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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  (860): I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows. http://tfl.nu/2kv7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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  (248): you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion." http://tfl.nu/tkud
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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  (817): he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down. http://tfl.nu/bkhk
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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  (202): on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing. http://tfl.nu/q9c2
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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  (602): so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes. http://tfl.nu/egav
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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  (361): Did i throw a brick at someone last night? http://tfl.nu/tk7m
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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  (415): There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail. http://tfl.nu/6ic6
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  (510): View more from California

  you told grandpa to call you daddy

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  (510): you told grandpa to call you daddy http://tfl.nu/jb8d
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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  (419): apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome http://tfl.nu/v148
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.

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  (301): the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off. http://tfl.nu/vq2t
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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  (440): i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky. http://tfl.nu/4mz4
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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  (416): Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order http://tfl.nu/9jwa
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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  (604): Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling. http://tfl.nu/zskd
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
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  (425): View more from Washington

  if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you

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  (425): if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you http://tfl.nu/ohu0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown

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  (330): It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown http://tfl.nu/l6kf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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  (314): There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run." http://tfl.nu/6vvj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

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  (214): It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls. http://tfl.nu/oc6k
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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  (615): Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs. http://tfl.nu/w8zn
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  (925): View more from California

  don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

  (510): View more from California

  big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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  (925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet

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  (248): I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet http://tfl.nu/xsvu
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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  (832): Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank. http://tfl.nu/gxu8
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  (516): View more from New York

  id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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  (516): id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though http://tfl.nu/r22j
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

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  (305): i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town. http://tfl.nu/vmwk
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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  (540): all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes http://tfl.nu/yixn
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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  (216): there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay http://tfl.nu/f4sg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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  (781): i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed. http://tfl.nu/tv17
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist

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  (901): so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist http://tfl.nu/ofkb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (813): View more from Florida

  he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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  (813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.

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  (989): I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance. http://tfl.nu/0t4j
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?

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  (561): Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest? http://tfl.nu/07hk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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  (248): So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in http://tfl.nu/mvwo
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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  (502): one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why. http://tfl.nu/9zaj
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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  (+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.

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  (850): Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day. http://tfl.nu/xqgd
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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  (406): Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified. http://tfl.nu/dihz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  wow, a mother in the making

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  (217): if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test (1-217): wow, a mother in the making http://tfl.nu/2c41
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again

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  (703): Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again http://tfl.nu/33pv
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger

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  (717): He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger http://tfl.nu/u6xr
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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  (804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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  (443): He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him http://tfl.nu/8x14
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  By 8 I mean 9.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  And by 9 I mean 10.

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  (503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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  (248): They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick" http://tfl.nu/5fi0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.

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  (207): I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat. http://tfl.nu/i3fj
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.

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  (321): I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/ccnb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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  (215): Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too. http://tfl.nu/we0x
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.

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  (402): Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then. http://tfl.nu/941i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
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  (347): View more from New York

  Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....

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  (347): Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night..... http://tfl.nu/buh9
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  (951): View more from California

  My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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  (951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....

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  (812): Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms.... http://tfl.nu/4wax
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I wish I had a frozen water bed.

  (253): View more from Washington

  best. idea. ever.

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  (734): I wish I had a frozen water bed. (253): best. idea. ever. http://tfl.nu/r1w7
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand

  (1-856): View more from New Jersey

  We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?

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  (856): The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand (1-856): We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh? http://tfl.nu/4r62
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

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  (203): The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately. http://tfl.nu/h16j
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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  (317): All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America. http://tfl.nu/3zlb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?

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  (917): so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question? http://tfl.nu/2bvz
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.

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  (740): While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day. http://tfl.nu/7t04
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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  (318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.

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  (302): then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack. http://tfl.nu/fci7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

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  (917): I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing. http://tfl.nu/vu1b
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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  (732): My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore http://tfl.nu/2pmj
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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  (602): Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest. http://tfl.nu/apc8
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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  (615): You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before http://tfl.nu/c77w
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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  (412): Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid! http://tfl.nu/xi6r
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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  (316): toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials. http://tfl.nu/kc0s
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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  (781): I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy. http://tfl.nu/bakf
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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  (702): she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/em4c
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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  (862): Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside http://tfl.nu/iwzn
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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  (903): Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe http://tfl.nu/shgh
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (772): View more from Florida

  Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.

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  (772): Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix. http://tfl.nu/t7w8
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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  (302): he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks" http://tfl.nu/zxub
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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  (603): So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts... http://tfl.nu/9w6o
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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  (253): I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs. http://tfl.nu/cszc
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

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  (407): Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted. http://tfl.nu/0qre
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am

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  (702): So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am http://tfl.nu/tj8n
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  (585): View more from New York

  I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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  (585): I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys. http://tfl.nu/354b
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  (585): View more from New York

  he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

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  (585): he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is? http://tfl.nu/uyol
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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  (815): Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites. http://tfl.nu/zd6b
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Do they take checks?

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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  (606): Do they take checks? (1-606): Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL? http://tfl.nu/lvo7
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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  (770): The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions http://tfl.nu/csf1
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"

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  (401): apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot" http://tfl.nu/gtmt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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  (915): Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches" http://tfl.nu/07la
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.

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  (301): We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else. http://tfl.nu/5mkn
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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  (425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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  (703): All I need in life is some dick and a big mac. http://tfl.nu/2v25
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

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  (912): Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops. http://tfl.nu/tuda
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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  (717): Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this. http://tfl.nu/jiq7
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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  (919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.

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  (304): I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th. http://tfl.nu/t8ll
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  (707): View more from California

  why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?

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  (707): why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas? http://tfl.nu/mq53
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  (315): View more from New York

  dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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  (315): dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you http://tfl.nu/n46y
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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  (612): I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A http://tfl.nu/yjw5
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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  (978): he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works http://tfl.nu/o828
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

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  (719): Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?! http://tfl.nu/aect
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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  (917): i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities http://tfl.nu/habk
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We need to talk about our relationship.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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  (575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4
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  (516): View more from New York

  we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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  (516): we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan http://tfl.nu/uipi
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  (650): View more from California

  Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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  (650): Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart. http://tfl.nu/8dw8
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...

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  (708): For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night... http://tfl.nu/rl66
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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  (703): the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up. http://tfl.nu/glqa
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

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  (516): I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done http://tfl.nu/fwxa
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.

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  (630): a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning. http://tfl.nu/n5pe
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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  (303): Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store http://tfl.nu/jpa2
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  (904): View more from Florida

  it glows. i had to have it.

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  (904): it glows. i had to have it. http://tfl.nu/ygwq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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  (815): No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official. http://tfl.nu/00ts
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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  (860): So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this. http://tfl.nu/j4ab
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  (863): View more from Florida

  if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

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  (863): if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed http://tfl.nu/59ub
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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  (860): Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water. http://tfl.nu/9vgl
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  my cup is half full, half full of rum.

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  (603): my cup is half full, half full of rum. http://tfl.nu/ajky
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'

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  (303): there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame' http://tfl.nu/7sje
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch

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  (678): My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch http://tfl.nu/nghk
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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  (614): I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone. http://tfl.nu/g122
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  (716): View more from New York

  One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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  (716): One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl. http://tfl.nu/aaag
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  (718): View more from New York

  ...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex

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  (718): ...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex http://tfl.nu/2clh
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.

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  (402): next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first. http://tfl.nu/nkj3
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  (631): View more from New York

  So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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  (631): So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?" http://tfl.nu/ljzm
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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  (207): I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something. http://tfl.nu/x6k7
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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  (740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer
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  (406): View more from Montana

  What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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  (406): What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name? http://tfl.nu/6xxw
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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  (709): apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos. http://tfl.nu/b1xi
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..

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  (319): For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july.. http://tfl.nu/uo05
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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  (615): I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us. http://tfl.nu/3t30
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that

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  (734): I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that http://tfl.nu/jwk4
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.

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  (405): I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible. http://tfl.nu/59e7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea

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  (517): drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea http://tfl.nu/z8sz
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  (607): View more from New York

  please dont tell anyone i was drunk

  (1-607): View more from New York

  you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know

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  (607): please dont tell anyone i was drunk (1-607): you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know http://tfl.nu/3807
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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  (610): all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville. http://tfl.nu/k1x4
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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  (304): He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too. http://tfl.nu/2www
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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  (+61): He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him... http://tfl.nu/efrg
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts

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  (620): my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts http://tfl.nu/naa2
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!

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  (317): My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA! http://tfl.nu/e6nv
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  (424): View more from California

  I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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  (424): I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing. http://tfl.nu/4boy
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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  (573): just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch (636): Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving? (573): IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation http://tfl.nu/yr3e
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  (305): View more from Florida

  And the cops told us we were all naked.

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  (305): And the cops told us we were all naked. http://tfl.nu/sk8w
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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  (514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

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  (804): Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday... http://tfl.nu/fzwu
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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  (952): i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right. http://tfl.nu/wcm0
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.

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  (937): just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy. http://tfl.nu/n1q0
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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  (319): Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter http://tfl.nu/rgti
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  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

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  (606): he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman. http://tfl.nu/lhzg
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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  (908): His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life. (732): sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner http://tfl.nu/i1p0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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  (313): The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not. http://tfl.nu/y4k4
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT

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  (832): DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT http://tfl.nu/3806
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?

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  (608): Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother? http://tfl.nu/8hut
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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  (262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks http://tfl.nu/b2le
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.

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  (717): I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better. http://tfl.nu/z41g
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.

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  (606): Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes. http://tfl.nu/z8mg
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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  (602): I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again. http://tfl.nu/a40p
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

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  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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  (819): I woke up to her vacumming the grass http://tfl.nu/p4j1
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  (718): View more from New York

  You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.

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  (718): You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me. http://tfl.nu/au8t
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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  (732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

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  (520): 2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out. http://tfl.nu/1knp
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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  (303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

  (419): View more from Ohio

  And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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  (419): We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball (419): And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity http://tfl.nu/7q0o
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

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  (316): I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen? http://tfl.nu/l8m2
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.

  (1-620): View more from Kansas

  No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.

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  (620): Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night. (1-620): No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man. http://tfl.nu/p24k
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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  (620): My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win. http://tfl.nu/w5au
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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  (620): We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example. http://tfl.nu/aei8
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

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  (785): You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early. http://tfl.nu/h3ys
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.

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  (785): Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours. http://tfl.nu/zm6d
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.

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  (785): Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here. http://tfl.nu/9zh4
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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  (785): Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless. http://tfl.nu/9j3y
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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  (785): This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday http://tfl.nu/tvj7
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse

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  (785): so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse http://tfl.nu/82q3
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

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  (785): Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen. http://tfl.nu/ucck
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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  (785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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  (785): My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/kbij
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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  (785): turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high http://tfl.nu/v57y
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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  (785): i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love. http://tfl.nu/j8m9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  that was a mass text, wasnt it?

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  (303): im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared. (1-303): that was a mass text, wasnt it? http://tfl.nu/9i1u
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  (310): View more from California

  can your parents tell?

  (310): View more from California

  i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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  (310): can your parents tell? (310): i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know http://tfl.nu/rda5
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?

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  (785): My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test? http://tfl.nu/em8d
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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  (937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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  (417): I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat. http://tfl.nu/8r9j
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

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  (518): Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight. http://tfl.nu/ukzh
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  (510): View more from California

  I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

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  (510): I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting http://tfl.nu/unrs
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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  (405): just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv (1-405): we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina http://tfl.nu/dapc
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."

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  (757): And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate." http://tfl.nu/e62b
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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  (203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework

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  (313): sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework http://tfl.nu/3cov
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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  (360): Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?" http://tfl.nu/c0v9
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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  (706): Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't. http://tfl.nu/ol3k
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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  (908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head http://tfl.nu/52vv
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything

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  (618): i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything http://tfl.nu/e4ud
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview

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  (731): i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview http://tfl.nu/woj8
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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  (860): Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal http://tfl.nu/x7fc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.

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  (720): Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands. http://tfl.nu/3psd
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.

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  (954): I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism. http://tfl.nu/aavm
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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  (224): I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/1jen
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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  (620): It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish" http://tfl.nu/scbq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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  (303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic. http://tfl.nu/yvsq
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  (714): View more from California

  Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.

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  (714): Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover. http://tfl.nu/xecz
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...

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  (320): Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting... http://tfl.nu/4ynh
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  (518): View more from New York

  In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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  (518): In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it. http://tfl.nu/q114
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.

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  (843): he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story. http://tfl.nu/p8b8
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  (727): View more from Florida

  You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.

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  (727): You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on. http://tfl.nu/u7oz
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

  (409): View more from Texas

  That was definitely the right answer.

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  (406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl
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  (210): View more from Texas

  every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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  (210): every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY http://tfl.nu/204o
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

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  (814): i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof. http://tfl.nu/24gw
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand

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  (781): what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand http://tfl.nu/hzsn
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this

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  (410): forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this http://tfl.nu/291a
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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  (785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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  (404): So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat? http://tfl.nu/7wij
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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  (262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
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  (917): View more from New York City

  your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?

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  (917): your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin? http://tfl.nu/252o
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  (845): View more from New York

  I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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  (845): I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting http://tfl.nu/6shn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!

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  (303): He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk! http://tfl.nu/z1cd
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.

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  (270): I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/gibq
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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  (419): i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face http://tfl.nu/rg2e
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.

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  (775): At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town. http://tfl.nu/0gi3
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  (516): View more from New York

  You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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  (516): You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you? http://tfl.nu/3dbu
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you don't.

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  (717): how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way (1-717): you don't. http://tfl.nu/p0es
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother

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  (319): Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother http://tfl.nu/j9lt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  it happened again.

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  (973): remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels? (973): it happened again. http://tfl.nu/jmjg
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
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  (516): View more from New York

  In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea

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  (516): In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea http://tfl.nu/v7d1
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  (845): View more from New York

  no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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  (845): no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill http://tfl.nu/ddir
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (718): View more from New York

  at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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  (718): at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue. http://tfl.nu/efry
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.

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  (715): Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar. http://tfl.nu/6xi2
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this

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  (208): this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this http://tfl.nu/vlz9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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  (610): I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity. http://tfl.nu/4je5
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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  (512): Too many people are naked here for this to be normal. http://tfl.nu/s42o
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.

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  (910): For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea. http://tfl.nu/uefs
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  (716): View more from New York

  You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

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  (716): You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70 http://tfl.nu/w9g2
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.

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  (715): apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night. http://tfl.nu/2r4z
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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  (980): You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls. http://tfl.nu/1jxr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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  (208): aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it. http://tfl.nu/sbum
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...

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  (203): There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door... http://tfl.nu/wacl
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?

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  (317): What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/ssbm
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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  (828): At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed. http://tfl.nu/va1q
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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  (972): Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving http://tfl.nu/e1pp
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.

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  (412): Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/42ye
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  (408): View more from California

  How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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  (408): How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...? http://tfl.nu/cucy
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.

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  (618): I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask. http://tfl.nu/gfxs
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

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  (203): i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes http://tfl.nu/2sgp
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.

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  (520): Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day. http://tfl.nu/urgx
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  (310): View more from California

  Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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  (310): Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though. http://tfl.nu/8195
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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  (248): I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk. http://tfl.nu/wafm
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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  (404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi
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  (858): View more from California

  It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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  (858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei
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  (207): View more from Maine

  reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face

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  (207): reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face http://tfl.nu/zdhw
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying

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  (404): He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying http://tfl.nu/0ccm
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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  (773): Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat. http://tfl.nu/qnu6
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  (916): View more from California

  day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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  (916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

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  (518): Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen. http://tfl.nu/qer2
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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  (410): just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks. http://tfl.nu/gf3t
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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  (204): this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food. http://tfl.nu/5ycb
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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  (305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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  (303): mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him http://tfl.nu/uw49
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  (661): View more from California

  aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

  (623): View more from Arizona

  And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

  (661): View more from California

  Exactly.

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  (661): aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet (623): And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs (661): Exactly. http://tfl.nu/5o7t
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  He managed to light the Jello on fire...

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  (251): He managed to light the Jello on fire... http://tfl.nu/tu7i
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.

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  (207): I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow. http://tfl.nu/e26q
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.

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  (214): you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night. http://tfl.nu/kc82
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?

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  (910): So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal? http://tfl.nu/acjy
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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  (231): I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name... http://tfl.nu/p31n
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.

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  (917): Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof. http://tfl.nu/i13l
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  (817): View more from Texas

  This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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  (817): This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here" http://tfl.nu/277o
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls

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  (330): Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls http://tfl.nu/m4sw
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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  (309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c
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  (564): View more from Washington

  He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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  (564): He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns http://tfl.nu/yiwx
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  (425): View more from Washington

  there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

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  (425): there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room.. http://tfl.nu/dpny
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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  (214): It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil... http://tfl.nu/iyla
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  (516): View more from New York

  my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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  (516): my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper http://tfl.nu/iwmr
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"

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  (901): as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air" http://tfl.nu/6w47
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

  (1-302): View more from Delaware

  he's 29.

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  (302): you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son. (1-302): he's 29. http://tfl.nu/ab19
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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  (513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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  (519): we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault" http://tfl.nu/rtah
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.

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  (305): I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success. http://tfl.nu/yoei
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It usually does with you

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  (717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit (1-717): It usually does with you http://tfl.nu/9ly0
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.

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  (913): We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer. http://tfl.nu/ud7u
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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  (484): I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/prts
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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  (812): Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch http://tfl.nu/sdde
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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  (706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  so yall hooked up?

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  (203): I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone. (1-203): so yall hooked up? http://tfl.nu/j54f
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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  (985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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  (201): Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is. http://tfl.nu/gvpy
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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  (785): I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever. http://tfl.nu/2hpf
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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  (678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.

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  (207): Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend. http://tfl.nu/fufl
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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  (404): he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off http://tfl.nu/rmt4
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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  (905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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  (305): Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high. http://tfl.nu/4ptt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

  (863): View more from Florida

  Can I come live with you?

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  (813): watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC... (863): Can I come live with you? http://tfl.nu/y56x
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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  (250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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  (778): No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain' http://tfl.nu/2rma
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge

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  (203): just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge http://tfl.nu/b456
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.

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  (718): He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race. http://tfl.nu/hbzv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind

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  (803): I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind http://tfl.nu/dnl0
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  (954): View more from Florida

  tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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  (954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c
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  (858): View more from California

  threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

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  (858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter http://tfl.nu/n5bo
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

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  (413): my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out http://tfl.nu/0mnv
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  (315): View more from New York

  He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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  (315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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  (509): I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here. http://tfl.nu/f99e
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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  (678): I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom. http://tfl.nu/95nr
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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  (757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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  (334): she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rmvr
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  (415): View more from California

  dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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  (415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk
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  (727): View more from Florida

  He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...

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  (727): He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going... http://tfl.nu/31sf
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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  (302): I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that. http://tfl.nu/9h2q
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?

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  (801): I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes? http://tfl.nu/05g8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America

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  (513): just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America http://tfl.nu/08yj
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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  (724): I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that. http://tfl.nu/ze20
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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  (617): After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left. http://tfl.nu/2zbc
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  (561): View more from Florida

  just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

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  (561): just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties http://tfl.nu/aad8
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
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  (786): View more from Florida

  hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

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  (786): hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night. http://tfl.nu/2z1d
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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  (817): I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck. http://tfl.nu/i3zz
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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  (913): the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me http://tfl.nu/ze1e
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  (323): View more from California

  I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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  (323): I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning http://tfl.nu/dryp
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  (360): View more from Washington

  It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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  (360): It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick http://tfl.nu/navf
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.

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  (513): sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces. http://tfl.nu/5w4e
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Glad to see your being a lady about this

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  (336): I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture (1-336): Glad to see your being a lady about this http://tfl.nu/pcgd
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth

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  (405): I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth http://tfl.nu/n9x2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase

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  (404): There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase http://tfl.nu/jdu6
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  (619): View more from California

  she peed on how many people?

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  (619): she peed on how many people? http://tfl.nu/sqm0
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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  (407): I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin. http://tfl.nu/d7w8
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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  (210): I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink http://tfl.nu/9ici
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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  (+61): I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude. http://tfl.nu/5t8b
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror

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  (515): I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror http://tfl.nu/xej5
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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  (812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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  (630): Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me. http://tfl.nu/4ss8
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait until you see the roof.

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  (978): Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help. (1-978): Wait until you see the roof. http://tfl.nu/itso
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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  (970): I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me http://tfl.nu/ieav
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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  (404): Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while. http://tfl.nu/n1x9
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  (347): View more from New York

  We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"

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  (347): We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?" http://tfl.nu/p6mw
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  (845): View more from New York

  so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

  (845): View more from New York

  i guess it runs in the family.

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  (845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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  (270): she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah. http://tfl.nu/1uyt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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  (314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq
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  (209): View more from California

  I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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  (209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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  (403): I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night. http://tfl.nu/12y8
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

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  (434): Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore. http://tfl.nu/10x7
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  (904): View more from Florida

  And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

  (386): View more from Florida

  It could be our claim to fame

  (904): View more from Florida

  Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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  (904): And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool (386): It could be our claim to fame (904): Done. I'll pack a cooler. http://tfl.nu/te4d
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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  (860): I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat http://tfl.nu/ctv0
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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  (717): wanna hang out tonight and remember it? http://tfl.nu/5q3c
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though

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  (609): you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though http://tfl.nu/8e43
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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  (612): I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?" http://tfl.nu/juih
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on

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  (519): We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on http://tfl.nu/80ye
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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  (208): I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age. http://tfl.nu/hp0x
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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  (973): had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home. http://tfl.nu/ffng
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.

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  (734): she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help. http://tfl.nu/iorj
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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  (814): Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water http://tfl.nu/ivkw
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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  (321): mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday. http://tfl.nu/054y
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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  (360): I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink. http://tfl.nu/xse5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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  (404): hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away http://tfl.nu/s83j
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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  (920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy
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  (310): View more from California

  Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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  (310): Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake http://tfl.nu/w9rn
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  (310): View more from California

  dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

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  (310): dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore http://tfl.nu/vh83
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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  (315): We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?" http://tfl.nu/1ge9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.

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  (519): I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle. http://tfl.nu/aifz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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  (303): Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking. http://tfl.nu/3qfc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm full of awesome ideas

  (972): View more from Texas

  Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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  (214): I'm full of awesome ideas (972): Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs... http://tfl.nu/g4si
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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  (773): Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom. http://tfl.nu/dmbr
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  (210): View more from Texas

  she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?

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  (210): she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate? http://tfl.nu/d0z4
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  (360): View more from Washington

  All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

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  (360): All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together. http://tfl.nu/fujj
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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  (604): I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard. http://tfl.nu/0z3w
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  (818): View more from California

  I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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  (818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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  (636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

  (909): View more from California

  I'm scared to ask why.....

  (509): View more from Washington

  1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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  (509): I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM (909): I'm scared to ask why..... (509): 1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare. http://tfl.nu/ztpp
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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  (978): he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey. http://tfl.nu/pfjh
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  (806): View more from Texas

  at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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  (806): at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap. http://tfl.nu/nba1
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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  (916): Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool? http://tfl.nu/8wpx
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  (916): View more from California

  i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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  (916): i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget http://tfl.nu/82uy
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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  (734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (916): View more from California

  We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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  (916): We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever. http://tfl.nu/dui8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same

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  (203): so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same http://tfl.nu/kiu0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.

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  (479): I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's. http://tfl.nu/ybeq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire

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  (847): I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire http://tfl.nu/ncts
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag

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  (+44): according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag http://tfl.nu/idf5
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  It's like a mixture of two words

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  "town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"

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  (985): It's like a mixture of two words (985): "town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now" http://tfl.nu/homf
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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  (205): It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/u0k7
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.

  (1-312): View more from Illinois

  None of that is ok.

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  (312): Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there. (1-312): None of that is ok. http://tfl.nu/fi6r
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

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  (817): I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding? http://tfl.nu/zuv6
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  (925): View more from California

  Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.

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  (925): Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here. http://tfl.nu/dbsi
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty

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  (740): Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty http://tfl.nu/686x
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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  (989): i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/envk
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.

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  (314): Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late. http://tfl.nu/bosu
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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  (414): saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings http://tfl.nu/clzp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

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  (404): Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party. http://tfl.nu/y163
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  (714): View more from California

  drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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  (714): drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well. http://tfl.nu/2mtg
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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  (248): after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life http://tfl.nu/k9mo
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.

  (760): View more from California

  Wow.

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  (901): Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered. (760): Wow. http://tfl.nu/1wu1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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  (215): It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis. http://tfl.nu/bygw
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  (718): View more from New York

  I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.

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  (718): I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there. http://tfl.nu/dv4v
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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  (404): you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are. http://tfl.nu/yq64
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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  (512): just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification. http://tfl.nu/d300
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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  (703): I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going. http://tfl.nu/roti
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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  (864): I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me? http://tfl.nu/6foj
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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  (978): Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win. http://tfl.nu/r148
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.

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  (712): i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm. http://tfl.nu/clwu
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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  (517): I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity... http://tfl.nu/ueq6
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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  (601): High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way http://tfl.nu/xf3z
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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  (403): we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now. http://tfl.nu/goi4
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking

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  (321): Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking http://tfl.nu/fefy
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  (858): View more from California

  Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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  (858): Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it http://tfl.nu/r7l5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left

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  (330): I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left http://tfl.nu/kqqk
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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  (419): you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you http://tfl.nu/zo5g
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  (954): View more from Florida

  so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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  (954): so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine http://tfl.nu/9kja
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?

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  (219): My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout? http://tfl.nu/0knj
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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  (785): Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine.. http://tfl.nu/247z
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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  (301): dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist http://tfl.nu/26ue
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.

  (607): View more from New York

  Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.

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  (203): Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone. (607): Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend. http://tfl.nu/z2i9
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.

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  (563): The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/t1x0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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  (443): I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval. http://tfl.nu/2acf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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  (303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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  (540): my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited. http://tfl.nu/8ftm
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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  (205): Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong http://tfl.nu/oa40
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.

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  (216): As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks. http://tfl.nu/d4mm
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  (863): View more from Florida

  And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

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  (863): And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard http://tfl.nu/4drm
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

  (661): View more from California

  Truer words have never been spoken.

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  (260): Vodka is such a love hate relationship. (661): Truer words have never been spoken. http://tfl.nu/p042
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
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  (806): View more from Texas

  We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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  (806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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  (773): arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better http://tfl.nu/ch4v
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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  (781): I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house. http://tfl.nu/8emi
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  (949): View more from California

  The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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  (949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo
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  (661): View more from California

  I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.

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  (661): I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck. http://tfl.nu/we3a
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  (716): View more from New York

  who do you think you are?

  (407): View more from Florida

  someone who doesn't ask that question

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  (716): who do you think you are? (407): someone who doesn't ask that question http://tfl.nu/uw7n
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  1:57 a.m. Where did you go???

  (586): View more from Michigan

  1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?

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  (586): 1:57 a.m. Where did you go??? (586): 1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding? (586): 2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in? http://tfl.nu/vrje
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers

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  (205): i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers http://tfl.nu/g3p7
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.

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  (224): I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week. http://tfl.nu/ba7c
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.

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  (920): the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet. http://tfl.nu/lvr3
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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  (901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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  (519): Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten. http://tfl.nu/vjjo
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.

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  (413): He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing. http://tfl.nu/up8v
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.

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  (630): I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night. http://tfl.nu/uyli
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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  (206): My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'. http://tfl.nu/39kt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.

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  (636): No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from. http://tfl.nu/d5gf
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.

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  (412): One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging. http://tfl.nu/rajk
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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  (816): Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful http://tfl.nu/oafq
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.

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  (918): WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/fz7p
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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  (660): Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test? http://tfl.nu/cwr3
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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  (317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time http://tfl.nu/w7q6
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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  (416): We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard? http://tfl.nu/skft
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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  (603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx
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  (754): View more from Florida

  you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.

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  (754): you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence. http://tfl.nu/syql
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  (518): View more from New York

  she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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  (518): she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/q9ws
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..

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  (270): they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out.. http://tfl.nu/o5dk
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.

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  (602): You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary. http://tfl.nu/hnqx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Whoa, Gary Coleman died

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Too soon.

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  (847): Whoa, Gary Coleman died (224): Whatchu talkin bout?!?! (847): Too soon. http://tfl.nu/36gw
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Update, its a couple

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  (402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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  (607): Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later. http://tfl.nu/om4f
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  "Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

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  (804): "Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to http://tfl.nu/kp09
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  (315): View more from New York

  Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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  (315): Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka.. http://tfl.nu/lv2f
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.

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  (608): The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer. http://tfl.nu/u1k3
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  (315): View more from New York

  So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?

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  (315): So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you? http://tfl.nu/jgvr
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  (323): View more from California

  dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning

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  (323): dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning http://tfl.nu/bjxg
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.

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  (484): It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever. http://tfl.nu/8zyq
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  (801): View more from Utah

  No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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  (801): No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything http://tfl.nu/rmdb
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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  (403): Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'. http://tfl.nu/ube5
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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  (502): if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it http://tfl.nu/pt50
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.

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  (918): He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day. http://tfl.nu/2bxp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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  (404): The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/retd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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  (812): My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too. http://tfl.nu/4mju
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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  (402): All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was http://tfl.nu/p0yn
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How was the bike ride?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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  (734): How was the bike ride? (1-734): Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups. http://tfl.nu/2qrl
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

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  (402): In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck. http://tfl.nu/gl2y
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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  (910): I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight. http://tfl.nu/7vg9
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  (310): View more from California

  Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.

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  (310): Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly. http://tfl.nu/9x6b
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.

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  (208): My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done. http://tfl.nu/2aew
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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  (774): well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday. http://tfl.nu/vkd1
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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  (306): When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vfit
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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  (337): i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out. http://tfl.nu/6suh
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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  (253): The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued. http://tfl.nu/lx8b
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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  (713): Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success. http://tfl.nu/wlhs
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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  (512): I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different. http://tfl.nu/tob0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?

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  (617): WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL? http://tfl.nu/2onf
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something

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  (708): its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something http://tfl.nu/mg8h
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  (718): View more from New York

  Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.

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  (718): Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night. http://tfl.nu/a8sl
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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  (519): You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ggug
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"

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  (781): then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints" http://tfl.nu/ml68
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where my bra went.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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  (303): I don't know where my bra went. (1-303): Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy. http://tfl.nu/03yq
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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  (613): ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money. http://tfl.nu/in19
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes

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  (860): all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/55qw
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  That reminds me...we need to get swords

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  (785): That reminds me...we need to get swords http://tfl.nu/9ivg
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  (707): View more from California

  We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.

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  (707): We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday. http://tfl.nu/jjrt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.

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  (404): Just made gatorade. in the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/v6f3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  No subtext here. People are naked.

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  (612): No subtext here. People are naked. http://tfl.nu/tn4y
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy

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  (602): I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy http://tfl.nu/rk38
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We stopped her at 12

  (708): View more from Illinois

  12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Which answer would freak you out less

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  (630): We stopped her at 12 (708): 12 shots? Or 12 midnight? (630): Which answer would freak you out less http://tfl.nu/edb4
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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  (403): Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me. http://tfl.nu/6qnx
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Joe or Chris?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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  (314): I hate the hobo that sits outside our building (1-314): Joe or Chris? (314): do i even wanna kno y u kno their names? (1-314): well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye. http://tfl.nu/9vla
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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  (267): your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats http://tfl.nu/u2vh
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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  (217): I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats http://tfl.nu/84a1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself

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  (401): Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself http://tfl.nu/jjur
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  (619): View more from California

  my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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  (619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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  (612): i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high. http://tfl.nu/z4jl
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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  (336): You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed. http://tfl.nu/cedv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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  (678): He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again. http://tfl.nu/ehlu
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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  (856): What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again. http://tfl.nu/nufk
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.

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  (502): battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever. http://tfl.nu/blg1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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  (970): Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back http://tfl.nu/pd0y
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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  (708): sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed http://tfl.nu/38z7
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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  (251): As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic" http://tfl.nu/evdo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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  (412): I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up http://tfl.nu/fu0m
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  (818): View more from California

  She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.

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  (818): She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on. http://tfl.nu/3dyc
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.

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  (918): no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh. http://tfl.nu/6iss
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

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  (623): I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take. http://tfl.nu/lajr
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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  (404): I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do. http://tfl.nu/0i65
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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  (617): I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw. http://tfl.nu/9aqz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle

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  (314): just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle http://tfl.nu/572m
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

  (928): View more from Arizona

  a cake, in the toilet

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  (602): you'll never guess what i found when i got home... (928): a cake, in the toilet http://tfl.nu/md4l
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?

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  (502): What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes? http://tfl.nu/o5zg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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  (203): They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court. http://tfl.nu/8rt0
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.

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  (902): he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now. http://tfl.nu/t4cx
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  (585): View more from New York

  She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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  (585): She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings. http://tfl.nu/pz3m
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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  (320): A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears. http://tfl.nu/pw7m
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  To a 70 year old lady?!

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  (508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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  (503): Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal http://tfl.nu/qwe2
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Too many margaritas?

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  (405): Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog. (321): Too many margaritas? http://tfl.nu/18gt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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  (519): Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/wxg3
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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  (715): isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month http://tfl.nu/ybux
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  (949): View more from California

  i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it

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  (949): i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it http://tfl.nu/yzwv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.

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  (201): just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year. http://tfl.nu/847n
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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  (+44): She just messaged me 19 sad faces. http://tfl.nu/vblt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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  (740): becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard. http://tfl.nu/avz2
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

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  (727): I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now. http://tfl.nu/6a5q
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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  (401): i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest http://tfl.nu/hnl6
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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  (954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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  (403): Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying. http://tfl.nu/rtdk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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  (978): on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear http://tfl.nu/5oby
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  dude its may

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Work with me here, man.

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  (843): Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word (803): dude its may (843): Work with me here, man. http://tfl.nu/2m3l
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

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  (828): Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy. http://tfl.nu/roru
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.

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  (203): Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do. http://tfl.nu/ir0f
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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  (617): she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case". http://tfl.nu/rki3
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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  (574): My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall. http://tfl.nu/kdj3
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  (949): View more from California

  You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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  (949): You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5? http://tfl.nu/3tc1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit

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  (301): and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit http://tfl.nu/fjd7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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  (586): Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail. http://tfl.nu/99nr
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox

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  (904): I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox http://tfl.nu/xijk
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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  (612): He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle http://tfl.nu/2q09
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes

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  (859): i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes http://tfl.nu/xf12
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  May it rest in peace.

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  (847): Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence. (708): May it rest in peace. http://tfl.nu/csj7
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

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  (804): just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it. http://tfl.nu/xnwu
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.

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  (425): Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy. http://tfl.nu/3fjx
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.

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  (440): just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me. http://tfl.nu/8ykb
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  (845): View more from New York

  Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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  (845): Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn? http://tfl.nu/bm5d
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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  (401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4
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  (806): View more from Texas

  If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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  (806): If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut http://tfl.nu/i4w4
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets

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  (248): Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets http://tfl.nu/6e6g
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  (530): View more from California

  I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.

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  (530): I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon. http://tfl.nu/vb88
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

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  (202): All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well. http://tfl.nu/6mn8
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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  (201): The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint http://tfl.nu/xmhe
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  (925): View more from California

  its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife

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  (925): its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife http://tfl.nu/e55k
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.

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  (248): Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy. http://tfl.nu/rzh3
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them

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  (937): how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them http://tfl.nu/5e8u
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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  (703): using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes. http://tfl.nu/y0td
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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  (206): He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look http://tfl.nu/dski
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...

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  (970): in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea... http://tfl.nu/cfy4
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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  (425): I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B. http://tfl.nu/2oen
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.

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  (720): Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly. http://tfl.nu/yfkr
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  (714): View more from California

  i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..

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  (714): i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats.. http://tfl.nu/8g2i
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (562): View more from California

  not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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  (562): not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it. http://tfl.nu/xhfr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.

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  (704): Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer. http://tfl.nu/5883
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

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  (316): My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch. http://tfl.nu/qemq
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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  (715): Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures http://tfl.nu/hpoh
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  (707): View more from California

  I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on

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  (707): I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on http://tfl.nu/0k8v
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  (562): View more from California

  Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.

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  (562): Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont. http://tfl.nu/ey1g
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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  (512): There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW. http://tfl.nu/izzq
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  (707): View more from California

  its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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  (707): its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me http://tfl.nu/kg6n
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  (805): View more from California

  a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

  (818): View more from California

  god is laughing at you again

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  (805): a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot (818): god is laughing at you again http://tfl.nu/4fg3
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  (914): View more from New York

  Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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  (914): Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right http://tfl.nu/mx4p
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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  (919): Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool (252): Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five http://tfl.nu/6bci
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.

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  (580): Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them. http://tfl.nu/fkfv
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  (254): View more from Texas

  There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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  (254): There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN. http://tfl.nu/m7t2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Church boner. Awkwardddd

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  (203): Church boner. Awkwardddd http://tfl.nu/s9a2
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  (352): View more from Florida

  homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  so you did it...

  (352): View more from Florida

  obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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  (352): homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview... (1-352): so you did it... (352): obv...but still...it was inconsiderate. http://tfl.nu/j7x7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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  (517): I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again. http://tfl.nu/bm5p
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party

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  (337): The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party http://tfl.nu/w848
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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  (732): just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer http://tfl.nu/hop7
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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  (717): Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin. http://tfl.nu/gep5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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  (732): why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon? (1-732): shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work http://tfl.nu/tkf9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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  (704): I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right? http://tfl.nu/ljg3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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  (617): We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well. http://tfl.nu/7kjf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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  (541): i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis. http://tfl.nu/2bxd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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  (214): he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day. http://tfl.nu/ey19
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  nothing about this is right.

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  (630): i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings. (1-630): nothing about this is right. http://tfl.nu/76cn
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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  (610): You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol. http://tfl.nu/qjw2
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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  (352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve

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  (580): Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve http://tfl.nu/obez
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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  (720): Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head? http://tfl.nu/r6cb
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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  (608): Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again. http://tfl.nu/9jrz
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious

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  (908): he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious http://tfl.nu/30k1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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  (541): Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus. http://tfl.nu/wqiq
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  (646): View more from New York

  There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

  (1-646): View more from New York

  Your pregnant arnt you

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  (646): There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil. (1-646): Your pregnant arnt you http://tfl.nu/t59m
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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  (203): tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer. http://tfl.nu/kiay
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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  (856): She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk" http://tfl.nu/d5n3
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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  (240): oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times http://tfl.nu/z2iz
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  (210): View more from Texas

  You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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  (210): You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink... http://tfl.nu/o571
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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  (720): This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread. http://tfl.nu/5lzr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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  (330): Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list http://tfl.nu/ucvs
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Really.

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  (918): I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you (580): Really. http://tfl.nu/kw5b
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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  (765): we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright. http://tfl.nu/328h
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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  (678): Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead, http://tfl.nu/tjky
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  yeah thats usually a good indication.

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  (317): i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face.. (1-317): yeah thats usually a good indication. http://tfl.nu/79nx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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  (630): Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol. http://tfl.nu/s5um
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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  (785): I found those 18 whoppers we bought. http://tfl.nu/flbc
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

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  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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  (405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

  (1-785): View more from Kansas

  But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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  (785): He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him. (1-785): But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed. http://tfl.nu/9pjf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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  (513): Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home http://tfl.nu/jyep
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  You going out tonight?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

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  (337): You going out tonight? (318): No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon. http://tfl.nu/ifio
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  (816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

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  (604): They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum http://tfl.nu/ih77
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.

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  (505): i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to. http://tfl.nu/elff
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

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  (501): Turns out vomit takes off spray tan. http://tfl.nu/8hd7
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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  (914): I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned. http://tfl.nu/hdoa
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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  (336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to
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