She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
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i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
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