wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
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