thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
