It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
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