Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
How's work?
Spinning.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i dont even know how to be here
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Favorite