She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."