at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Send us your Text From Last Night!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You coming home soon, man?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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