the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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