Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
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I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
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