eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
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