I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just want nice things and good sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I checked into jail on foursquare
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
my shit smells like andre
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i dont even know how to be here
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Are we still banned from the library?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck y