no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
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My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
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