You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
don't judge my taste in strippers
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
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