I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
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