It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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