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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bring money and cleavage
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Operation Purity has been aborted
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
areolas are like halos for boobs.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He felt like a one man threesome
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I love having hate sex.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Cold hands, warm shart.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
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