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it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She tied me up with her honor cords...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
bring money and cleavage
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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