i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
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I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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