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So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's official drugs can't kill me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
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