I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
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he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
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