Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
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Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
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EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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