Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bring money and cleavage
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i dont even know how to be here
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He passed out mid-signature
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I checked into jail on foursquare
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
vagina is talking i cant
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I understand Curling. That high.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
mondays should just be called national damage control day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I wanna bring you to show and tell
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I heard we made out
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I hate your face
hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
White coat. Heels.
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
your thong is hanging out like whoa
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
with your own penis?
I must be too annoying 4 u.
1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
we're blogging at a bar
4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She is in my trunk
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
two words: eviction party
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Favorite