even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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