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He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard (323): Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays? (978): Sure lol what's that? (323): Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine. (978): Why? (323): Because I'm gonna open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder, over sideways and under on a magic carpet ride. http://tfl.nu/1bfv
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Mom said you looked used
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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