I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
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