He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
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they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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