Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
