yeahbuddy2011's Favorites Texts:

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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security

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  (479): He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security http://tfl.nu/nae6
  Replies (2) Good night (433) Bad night (72) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing

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  (615): Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing http://tfl.nu/wvdt
  Replies (4) Good night (515) Bad night (135) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....

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  (618): She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook..... http://tfl.nu/g300
  Replies (5) Good night (145) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."

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  (417): Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS." http://tfl.nu/riik
  Replies (0) Good night (301) Bad night (131) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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  (971): you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON http://tfl.nu/6e6p
  Replies (8) Good night (1331) Bad night (105) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting

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  (479): I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting http://tfl.nu/i8mu
  Replies (1) Good night (1008) Bad night (121) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry

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  (406): Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry http://tfl.nu/gx9l
  Replies (1) Good night (644) Bad night (99) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.

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  (719): The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies. http://tfl.nu/1axa
  Replies (2) Good night (614) Bad night (124)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.

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  (+61): I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad. http://tfl.nu/47hi
  Replies (3) Good night (767) Bad night (100) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO

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  (214): WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO http://tfl.nu/p2cw
  Replies (5) Good night (542) Bad night (88) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night

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  (434): Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night http://tfl.nu/pi3r
  Replies (2) Good night (345) Bad night (119) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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  (306): dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high" http://tfl.nu/ssrm
  Replies (3) Good night (729) Bad night (112) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Come through the front door when you get here.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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  (516): Come through the front door when you get here. (1-516): Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window. http://tfl.nu/uers
  Replies (4) Good night (577) Bad night (131) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind

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  (651): I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind http://tfl.nu/rbfo
  Replies (2) Good night (232) Bad night (139) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party

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  (902): Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party http://tfl.nu/fwjk
  Replies (1) Good night (241) Bad night (128) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.

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  (619): Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket. http://tfl.nu/fgzh
  Replies (7) Good night (462) Bad night (149)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!

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  (+44): We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA! http://tfl.nu/862o
  Replies (6) Good night (466) Bad night (112) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.

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  (412): Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time. http://tfl.nu/jc31
  Replies (1) Good night (724) Bad night (119) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.

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  (845): At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/7ean
  Replies (2) Good night (2085) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

  (305): View more from Florida

  No idea what that is

  (408): View more from California

  Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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  (408): But college guys get to crossfade so there's that (305): No idea what that is (408): Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together... (305): I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words http://tfl.nu/rs53
  Replies (8) Good night (1063) Bad night (127)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.

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  (941): When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel. http://tfl.nu/2hjl
  Replies (3) Good night (385) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.

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  (813): Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line. http://tfl.nu/x7j1
  Replies (4) Good night (549) Bad night (105) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.

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  (301): A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it. http://tfl.nu/f0y3
  Replies (3) Good night (466) Bad night (113)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops

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  (519): I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops http://tfl.nu/3fz9
  Replies (2) Good night (428) Bad night (115) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"

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  (814): I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!" http://tfl.nu/71ex
  Replies (11) Good night (473) Bad night (171) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"

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  (905): You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off" http://tfl.nu/v90r
  Replies (4) Good night (571) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR

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  (781): THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR http://tfl.nu/6l4g
  Replies (7) Good night (1320) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.

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  (425): I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it. http://tfl.nu/yofk
  Replies (1) Good night (745) Bad night (364) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"

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  (303): Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!" http://tfl.nu/4c9h
  Replies (3) Good night (558) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame

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  (306): I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame http://tfl.nu/y48t
  Replies (1) Good night (517) Bad night (110) Order T-Shirt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life

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  (+64): the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life http://tfl.nu/95hw
  Replies (2) Good night (821) Bad night (91) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm drunk at 3:28

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm jealous as shit at 3:34

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  (913): I'm drunk at 3:28 (816): I'm jealous as shit at 3:34 http://tfl.nu/umrv
  Replies (1) Good night (890) Bad night (125)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.

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  (251): You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick. http://tfl.nu/r3wg
  Replies (3) Good night (507) Bad night (212) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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  (513): You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when. http://tfl.nu/o3c9
  Replies (6) Good night (1050) Bad night (157)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just pee around me

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  (828): Just pee around me http://tfl.nu/21pc
  Replies (6) Good night (153) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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  (423): hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT. http://tfl.nu/qhme
  Replies (5) Good night (1382) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club

  (716): View more from New York

  You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall

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  (585): The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club (716): You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall http://tfl.nu/3muu
  Replies (0) Good night (659) Bad night (132)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.

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  (423): I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way. http://tfl.nu/5vvj
  Replies (5) Good night (835) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING

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  (317): Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING http://tfl.nu/f8zp
  Replies (6) Good night (752) Bad night (140) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests

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  (310): Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests http://tfl.nu/hq9w
  Replies (0) Good night (459) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.

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  (620): When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment. http://tfl.nu/putw
  Replies (1) Good night (349) Bad night (145) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night

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  (614): your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night http://tfl.nu/piwn
  Replies (6) Good night (785) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?

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  (801): Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention? http://tfl.nu/lgvd
  Replies (10) Good night (249) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??

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  (214): That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that?? http://tfl.nu/dflx
  Replies (9) Good night (199) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."

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  (480): The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver." http://tfl.nu/f94p
  Replies (5) Good night (426) Bad night (199)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.

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  (314): struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window. http://tfl.nu/5555
  Replies (1) Good night (273) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore

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  (209): I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore http://tfl.nu/6h5d
  Replies (2) Good night (429) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently

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  (917): his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently http://tfl.nu/j5yc
  Replies (7) Good night (364) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you

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  (502): I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you http://tfl.nu/6iu1
  Replies (3) Good night (675) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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  (325): Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul. http://tfl.nu/ljpv
  Replies (8) Good night (1192) Bad night (303) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.

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  (304): Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle. http://tfl.nu/n2vr
  Replies (1) Good night (515) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare

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  (516): I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare http://tfl.nu/2gb3
  Replies (1) Good night (298) Bad night (142) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was

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  (815): Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was http://tfl.nu/efhi
  Replies (3) Good night (621) Bad night (137) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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  (847): I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message. http://tfl.nu/fe15
  Replies (1) Good night (893) Bad night (181) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  And it tastes incredible.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  And I have chest pains.

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  (708): I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee. (708): And it tastes incredible. (708): And I have chest pains. http://tfl.nu/iw1m
  Replies (5) Good night (984) Bad night (301)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (4) Good night (2138) Bad night (184) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.

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  (843): I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done. http://tfl.nu/68sv
  Replies (2) Good night (576) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.

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  (585): Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings. http://tfl.nu/zv1f
  Replies (0) Good night (511) Bad night (133) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers

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  (818): You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers http://tfl.nu/8klr
  Replies (3) Good night (607) Bad night (209)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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  (248): noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life. http://tfl.nu/olll
  Replies (5) Good night (3498) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I want a grilled cheese and an IV

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  (518): I want a grilled cheese and an IV http://tfl.nu/ksb1
  Replies (5) Good night (2237) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

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  (503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol http://tfl.nu/9mqs
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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  (614): I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan http://tfl.nu/3du7
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.

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  (610): she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners. http://tfl.nu/yd21
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  (925): View more from California

  A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.

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  (925): A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/wou7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.

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  (586): Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at. http://tfl.nu/sdak
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad

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  (978): Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad http://tfl.nu/d7yn
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa

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  (815): yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are (815): Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa http://tfl.nu/l4r8
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked

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  (202): Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked http://tfl.nu/79sc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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  (412): Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out. http://tfl.nu/chur
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

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  (780): I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face. http://tfl.nu/4tu2
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.

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  (208): at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. http://tfl.nu/hxga
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.

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  (850): I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute. http://tfl.nu/idmm
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

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  (860): You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face http://tfl.nu/wwpz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS

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  (609): Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS http://tfl.nu/rllj
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  (954): View more from Florida

  direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"

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  (954): direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey" http://tfl.nu/8vb9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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  (301): Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging. http://tfl.nu/m3cv
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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  (404): You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet." http://tfl.nu/ru2n
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.

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  (216): I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote. http://tfl.nu/863q
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  (386): View more from Florida

  He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.

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  (386): He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids. http://tfl.nu/ivvs
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of

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  (402): I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of http://tfl.nu/8cwz
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"

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  (614): don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can" http://tfl.nu/nm9b
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?

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  (706): URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll? http://tfl.nu/orbc
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.

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  (702): I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up. http://tfl.nu/wodb
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  (408): View more from California

  MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE

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  (408): MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE http://tfl.nu/oud3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.

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  (248): They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror. http://tfl.nu/3vjx
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  (707): View more from California

  The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".

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  (707): The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny". http://tfl.nu/ox7j
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Sure. But we have to be quiet.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Ninja mode activated

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  (775): Sure. But we have to be quiet. (1-775): Ninja mode activated http://tfl.nu/1wq1
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help

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  (609): TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help http://tfl.nu/xrr6
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.

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  (601): I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status. http://tfl.nu/a1hp
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  (315): View more from New York

  My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.

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  (315): My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair. http://tfl.nu/70uu
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  (213): View more from California

  2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.

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  (213): 2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here. http://tfl.nu/53p6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

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  (484): Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you. http://tfl.nu/arry
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out

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  (480): He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out http://tfl.nu/x67i
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

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  (919): then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building. http://tfl.nu/wz5k
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative

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  (610): Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative http://tfl.nu/dzmt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.

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  (330): We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages. http://tfl.nu/bck0
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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  (406): she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over. http://tfl.nu/abn4
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?

  (650): View more from California

  I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.

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  (801): You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address? (650): I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days. http://tfl.nu/fel9
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  (408): View more from California

  Your text makes more sense read in reverse.

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  (408): Your text makes more sense read in reverse. http://tfl.nu/i737
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  (817): View more from Texas

  apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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  (817): apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon http://tfl.nu/fh3y
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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  (727): I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade. http://tfl.nu/63zw
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"

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  (218): The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!" http://tfl.nu/8p22
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.

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  (618): Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose. http://tfl.nu/98w1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

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  (303): New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later... http://tfl.nu/qijg
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Is it rude if I don't go?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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  (224): Is it rude if I don't go? (248): No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party. http://tfl.nu/zhsj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.

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  (908): I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf. http://tfl.nu/lxfv
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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  (810): I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP. http://tfl.nu/97xo
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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  (270): Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man. http://tfl.nu/achk
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity

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  (313): Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity http://tfl.nu/jv85
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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  (206): I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart. http://tfl.nu/h3lf
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.

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  (563): I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused. http://tfl.nu/bg7n
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?

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  (512): Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen? http://tfl.nu/ijzr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup

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  (513): Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup http://tfl.nu/jbl9
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.

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  (253): I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute. http://tfl.nu/d7nx
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.

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  (902): Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom. http://tfl.nu/6cke
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.

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  (623): At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside. http://tfl.nu/tt6u
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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  (779): I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs http://tfl.nu/n819
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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  (810): We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock. http://tfl.nu/wrss
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.

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  (864): I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide. http://tfl.nu/p1xg
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party

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  (860): hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party http://tfl.nu/8e30
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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  (973): I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night? http://tfl.nu/cbpu
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.

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  (860): Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/qj0b
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.

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  (416): I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home. http://tfl.nu/62h6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  How was it playing wingman?

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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  (847): How was it playing wingman? (312): I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed http://tfl.nu/t31c
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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  (906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad. http://tfl.nu/iebd
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

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  (215): they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness http://tfl.nu/sk3k
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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  (360): I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance. (1-360): It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot. http://tfl.nu/be8l
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  (386): View more from Florida

  In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

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  (386): In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations. http://tfl.nu/h1dn
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.

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  (610): why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from? (484): question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA. http://tfl.nu/jqh5
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over

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  (515): Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over http://tfl.nu/s97w
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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  (901): The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella http://tfl.nu/24ug
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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  (706): Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit? http://tfl.nu/7qwr
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.

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  (901): Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/r0ud
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.

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  (417): Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail. http://tfl.nu/0q6b
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.

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  (832): You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised. http://tfl.nu/pjx8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

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  (803): I don't trust myself to shower and not drown. http://tfl.nu/sha0
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  (315): View more from New York

  So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.

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  (315): So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt. http://tfl.nu/iloo
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.

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  (269): I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive. http://tfl.nu/3jo8
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON

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  (917): i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON http://tfl.nu/vk8e
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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  (859): Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less? http://tfl.nu/3zmk
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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  (678): After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box". http://tfl.nu/z4mv
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.

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  (734): I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first. http://tfl.nu/6gn4
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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  (740): Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross http://tfl.nu/1tyn
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.

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  (216): Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me. http://tfl.nu/fau7
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  (760): View more from California

  He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....

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  (760): He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch.... http://tfl.nu/h307
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine

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  (507): we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine http://tfl.nu/vvgu
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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  (425): He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that. http://tfl.nu/0n60
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  (209): View more from California

  I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

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  (209): I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that. http://tfl.nu/8ygm
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  (310): View more from California

  Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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  (310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4
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  (845): View more from New York

  he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

  (845): View more from New York

  where do u find these people!?

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  (845): he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life" (845): where do u find these people!? http://tfl.nu/mb20
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.

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  (520): Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds. http://tfl.nu/3cpt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand

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  (931): I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand http://tfl.nu/pke8
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Be safe. And I hate you.

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  (404): Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND! (1-404): Be safe. And I hate you. http://tfl.nu/32xo
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He's the conductor of the struggle bus

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS

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  (413): He's the conductor of the struggle bus (1-413): I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS http://tfl.nu/k1kz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.

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  (214): I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this. http://tfl.nu/v16y
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  (516): View more from New York

  Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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  (516): Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle http://tfl.nu/gy3s
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors

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  (860): You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors http://tfl.nu/ik36
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.

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  (248): Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels. http://tfl.nu/9jex
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.

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  (574): I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/m1lp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?

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  (616): Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape? http://tfl.nu/8v8b
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

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  (515): Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged? http://tfl.nu/5wyb
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!

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  (616): i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!! (1-616): BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!! http://tfl.nu/gsty
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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  (613): There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave" http://tfl.nu/7c09
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.

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  (517): Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up. http://tfl.nu/ansq
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  (310): View more from California

  If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.

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  (310): If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me. http://tfl.nu/jaom
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  (585): View more from New York

  my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.

  (917): View more from New York City

  can you adopt me?

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  (585): my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now. (917): can you adopt me? http://tfl.nu/i9vb
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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  (970): But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips. http://tfl.nu/821r
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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  (404): Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800. http://tfl.nu/a5yx
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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  (801): She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous. http://tfl.nu/mgxb
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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  (225): Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe. http://tfl.nu/nl8k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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  (303): My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..." http://tfl.nu/535j
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  (707): View more from California

  I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha

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  (707): I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha http://tfl.nu/s6o5
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.

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  (989): She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it. http://tfl.nu/vpoa
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.

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  (703): I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench. http://tfl.nu/hb4t
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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  (864): and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot. http://tfl.nu/9hr6
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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  (931): Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close. http://tfl.nu/0xt0
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.

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  (780): I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started. http://tfl.nu/6whx
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"

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  (908): When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!" http://tfl.nu/ui55
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming

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  (615): Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming http://tfl.nu/odmb
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.

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  (606): Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend. http://tfl.nu/7yx3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want to like rub my face on his abs

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need help

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  (610): I just want to like rub my face on his abs (610): I need help http://tfl.nu/fsti
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.

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  (724): Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall. http://tfl.nu/yi3c
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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  (423): I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit. http://tfl.nu/5kq2
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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  (704): It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning http://tfl.nu/8zj7
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  (914): View more from New York

  He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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  (914): He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him. http://tfl.nu/d8kc
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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  (623): Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff. http://tfl.nu/snvk
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN

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  (401): STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN http://tfl.nu/5dil
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  (530): View more from California

  I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.

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  (530): I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing. http://tfl.nu/7jie
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Who showers for four hours?!

  (760): View more from California

  It was like a tropical nap.

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  (206): Who showers for four hours?! (760): It was like a tropical nap. http://tfl.nu/5ez6
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

  (740): View more from Ohio

  BECAUSE SCIENCE

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  (440): WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS (740): BECAUSE SCIENCE http://tfl.nu/5ndo
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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  (215): There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell http://tfl.nu/i2t1
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.

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  (775): He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants. http://tfl.nu/n2nz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  you have the best friends

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  (512): they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze (1-512): you have the best friends http://tfl.nu/c4bj
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.

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  (206): I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it. http://tfl.nu/fi43
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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  (517): To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you http://tfl.nu/rkbn
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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  (248): Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars http://tfl.nu/5z1n
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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  (505): You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch. http://tfl.nu/nw9o
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom

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  (610): I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom http://tfl.nu/d66w
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.

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  (770): You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask. http://tfl.nu/fd4w
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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  (908): I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger. http://tfl.nu/tt9q
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.

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  (574): i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand. http://tfl.nu/cuvt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?

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  (203): Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish? http://tfl.nu/j5ph
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"

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  (757): Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos" http://tfl.nu/ucb4
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.

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  (423): The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups. http://tfl.nu/v1g8
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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  (205): I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab. http://tfl.nu/cf76
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it

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  (780): Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it http://tfl.nu/2d0a
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness

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  (617): I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness http://tfl.nu/3h8d
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time

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  (517): Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time http://tfl.nu/cfap
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*

  (1-828): View more from North Carolina

  omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.

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  (828): Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist* (1-828): omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too. http://tfl.nu/j31b
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  Hey I found a cat!

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  (270): Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do. (1-270): Hey I found a cat! http://tfl.nu/yvuv
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.

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  (402): It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off. http://tfl.nu/33ez
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  From one hot mess to another... Get it together.

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  (706): From one hot mess to another... Get it together. http://tfl.nu/0xgv
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  (298): View more from

  The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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  (298): The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations. (208): You're the only meteorologist I listen to. http://tfl.nu/2k8s
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority

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  (856): He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority http://tfl.nu/8eu2
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?

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  (612): Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle? http://tfl.nu/3yux
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on

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  (609): Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on http://tfl.nu/f543
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

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  (207): Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp http://tfl.nu/ovgv
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  (707): View more from California

  OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS

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  (707): OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS http://tfl.nu/54sh
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

  (360): View more from Washington

  1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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  (206): You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits. (360): 1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you http://tfl.nu/1254
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  You sure know how to make a day worth living.

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  (616): i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed. (1-616): You sure know how to make a day worth living. http://tfl.nu/maop
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  (310): View more from California

  If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.

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  (310): If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time. http://tfl.nu/wm4g
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  (914): View more from New York

  THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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  (914): THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED http://tfl.nu/eqdp
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be there in a few.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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  (814): I'll be there in a few. (717): I'M COUNTING TO FEW. http://tfl.nu/nvfq
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  (353): View more from

  I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!

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  (353): I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?! http://tfl.nu/o40o
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"

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  (616): i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!" http://tfl.nu/67ol
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  (407): View more from Florida

  SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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  (407): SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE http://tfl.nu/zlef
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.

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  (410): I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in. http://tfl.nu/o54w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people

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  (610): At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people http://tfl.nu/kwkh
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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  (416): arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house? (647): Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me. http://tfl.nu/yck0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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  (254): I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits. http://tfl.nu/syex
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  (516): View more from New York

  drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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  (516): drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries http://tfl.nu/4gv5
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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  (843): What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/4ub5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  ahaha ok

  (708): View more from Illinois

  let's call it "werewolfing"

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  (708): he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that. (1-708): ahaha ok (708): let's call it "werewolfing" http://tfl.nu/709l
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people

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  (604): You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people http://tfl.nu/m3p8
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.

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  (843): If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala. http://tfl.nu/anbg
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

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  (603): I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses." http://tfl.nu/iu6o
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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  (406): Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving http://tfl.nu/p7rm
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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  (206): So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion http://tfl.nu/7dgu
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  (510): View more from California

  Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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  (510): Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone" http://tfl.nu/xglm
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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  (814): She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place http://tfl.nu/x3gi
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit

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  (613): I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit http://tfl.nu/8e9o
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.

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  (313): Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye. http://tfl.nu/jiz3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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  (519): People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style. http://tfl.nu/g3nw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.

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  (330): He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious. http://tfl.nu/rluf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Ong my arms are moving wo my consent

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  (847): Ong my arms are moving wo my consent http://tfl.nu/lzs5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference

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  (304): she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference http://tfl.nu/95t7
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

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  (724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/nzjv
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.

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  (734): It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles. http://tfl.nu/qtkj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.

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  (303): I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes. http://tfl.nu/8g0z
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.

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  (787): Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now. http://tfl.nu/rhtn
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up

  (248): View more from Michigan

  What a great time to reflect on life

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  (248): Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up (248): What a great time to reflect on life http://tfl.nu/lxxa
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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  (231): Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly. http://tfl.nu/dx8m
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We don't watch enough power rangers

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  (305): We don't watch enough power rangers http://tfl.nu/xqyy
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug

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  (267): I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug http://tfl.nu/3mhw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Whats your number? 5 or more?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.

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  (512): Whats your number? 5 or more? (973): Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish. http://tfl.nu/b76i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.

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  (630): And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates. http://tfl.nu/727h
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.

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  (608): My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him. http://tfl.nu/n6s2
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  (760): View more from California

  He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.

  (619): View more from California

  he what???

  (760): View more from California

  Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.

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  (760): He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came. (619): he what??? (760): Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans. http://tfl.nu/7sag
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.

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  (515): I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion. http://tfl.nu/z0x4
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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  (717): I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country. http://tfl.nu/ua5o
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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  (706): He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex. http://tfl.nu/pzxj
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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  (506): There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet. http://tfl.nu/yw9h
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  (916): View more from California

  you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"

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  (916): you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances" http://tfl.nu/1xse
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  (813): View more from Florida

  You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team

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  (813): You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team http://tfl.nu/nq8a
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  (425): View more from Washington

  we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'

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  (425): we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul' http://tfl.nu/04nj
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.

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  (443): You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere. http://tfl.nu/84cy
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants

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  (615): those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants http://tfl.nu/jm8o
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.

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  (541): I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night. http://tfl.nu/uir8
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars

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  (515): i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars http://tfl.nu/h89f
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Thats Poetry

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  (610): Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is. (919): Thats Poetry http://tfl.nu/gxmw
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.

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  (918): I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated. http://tfl.nu/rg2y
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.

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  (801): You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age. http://tfl.nu/6o7l
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  (518): View more from New York

  I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.

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  (518): I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen. http://tfl.nu/2oin
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  (530): View more from California

  Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.

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  (530): Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them. http://tfl.nu/oho5
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Was I asleep on the ride home?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.

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  (512): Was I asleep on the ride home? (1-512): Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face. http://tfl.nu/zq2f
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  (949): View more from California

  You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

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  (949): You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker" http://tfl.nu/29yd
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.

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  (918): I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me. http://tfl.nu/t73s
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."

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  (734): Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed? (734): You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it." http://tfl.nu/yuio
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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  (412): I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all. http://tfl.nu/l8qc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.

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  (720): I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry. http://tfl.nu/lrky
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?

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  (330): I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit? http://tfl.nu/uql2
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Are we in any of the areas with tornados?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.

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  (520): Are we in any of the areas with tornados? (931): Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/dq1c
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  (585): View more from New York

  we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT

  (1-585): View more from New York

  Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.

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  (585): we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT (1-585): Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink. http://tfl.nu/wawv
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  (925): View more from California

  Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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  (925): Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you http://tfl.nu/oly8
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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  (678): You is good. You is important. You is a slut. http://tfl.nu/0cr6
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.

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  (219): My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle. http://tfl.nu/g4yj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts

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  (847): You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts http://tfl.nu/dzv1
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.

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  (208): Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied. http://tfl.nu/8j3b
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..

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  (641): Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough.. http://tfl.nu/n0x6
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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  (412): So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T. http://tfl.nu/y888
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.

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  (815): After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin. http://tfl.nu/me1g
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  (813): View more from Florida

  thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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  (813): thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not http://tfl.nu/vkjn
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  (818): View more from California

  Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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  (818): Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it http://tfl.nu/vzjc
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.

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  (719): Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible. http://tfl.nu/tds6
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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  (802): Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants. http://tfl.nu/qi2o
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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  (856): and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show http://tfl.nu/o1xq
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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  (503): im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night http://tfl.nu/l78r
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  (406): View more from Montana

  It was just a squirrel

  (253): View more from Washington

  You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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  (406): It was just a squirrel (253): You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar http://tfl.nu/smls
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  (+04): View more from

  I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

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  (+04): I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs. http://tfl.nu/iwem
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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  (214): I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room. http://tfl.nu/9wgv
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  (813): View more from Florida

  My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.

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  (813): My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me. http://tfl.nu/3nzi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.

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  (214): I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports. http://tfl.nu/apdh
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.

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  (205): You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food. http://tfl.nu/oef6
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?

  (406): View more from Montana

  Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

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  (239): Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ? (406): Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time. http://tfl.nu/y05k
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him

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  (443): I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him http://tfl.nu/mri0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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  (732): Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit. http://tfl.nu/pssm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.

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  (203): I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe. http://tfl.nu/ze7a
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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  (616): this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it. http://tfl.nu/xeu6
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  (323): View more from California

  Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...

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  (323): Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow... http://tfl.nu/iqf2
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.

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  (902): after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart. http://tfl.nu/tash
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.

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  (206): He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober. http://tfl.nu/q7n9
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger

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  (913): My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger http://tfl.nu/nsuk
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Basically.

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  (918): Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god. (1-918): Basically. http://tfl.nu/nlil
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink

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  (313): You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink http://tfl.nu/6677
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  (360): View more from Washington

  My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died

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  (360): My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died http://tfl.nu/olk7
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  (213): View more from California

  Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  ... and if i was..

  (213): View more from California

  Fuck. You.

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  (213): Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten. (201): ... and if i was.. (213): Fuck. You. http://tfl.nu/ty6i
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Pants off. Spirits lifted.

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  (253): Pants off. Spirits lifted. http://tfl.nu/wzml
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.

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  (250): I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you. http://tfl.nu/i94o
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.

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  (305): We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail. http://tfl.nu/cojn
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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  (972): Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT http://tfl.nu/8ret
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j

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  (740): You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j http://tfl.nu/94ee
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.

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  (502): I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm. http://tfl.nu/jrsq
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.

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  (772): I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix. http://tfl.nu/g0qx
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7

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  (330): Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7 http://tfl.nu/w1wq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?

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  (+44): you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home? http://tfl.nu/3r4f
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  But break dance skills will only take you so far

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  (551): But break dance skills will only take you so far http://tfl.nu/859m
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.

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  (617): We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this. http://tfl.nu/dyzt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.

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  (307): He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style. http://tfl.nu/qafz
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

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  (920): You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died". http://tfl.nu/180h
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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  (816): I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week. (1-816): I think we all know your liver needs a man's name. http://tfl.nu/bufv
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.

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  (734): Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life. http://tfl.nu/cgob
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.

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  (512): You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor. http://tfl.nu/8xpn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

  (226): View more from Ontario

  did I at least say anything...

  (519): View more from Ontario

  you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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  (519): we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom... (226): did I at least say anything... (519): you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living http://tfl.nu/vjjh
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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  (226): While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook." http://tfl.nu/v50o
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  (949): View more from California

  I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

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  (949): I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea http://tfl.nu/q7zc
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian

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  (901): He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian http://tfl.nu/6if3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.

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  (519): You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew. http://tfl.nu/ni79
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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  (817): I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night. (512): Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there. http://tfl.nu/r01e
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  (469): View more from Texas

  So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.

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  (469): So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride. http://tfl.nu/8ytz
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!

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  (262): I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait! http://tfl.nu/9r4q
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  (727): View more from Florida

  at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.

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  (727): at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry. http://tfl.nu/0y0u
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it

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  (774): Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down? (978): I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it http://tfl.nu/io4i
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?

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  (706): It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from? http://tfl.nu/d0ez
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  (407): View more from Florida

  If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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  (407): If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do? http://tfl.nu/1p3s
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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  (203): Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level http://tfl.nu/l6je
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.

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  (630): I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo. http://tfl.nu/gaw2
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

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  (360): You fed me pizza off a sword last night. http://tfl.nu/xrl7
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
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  (516): View more from New York

  We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.

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  (516): We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark. http://tfl.nu/w4xu
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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  (780): I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people. http://tfl.nu/y8iw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.

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  (973): I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut. http://tfl.nu/9z43
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  You can't spell "party" without "RA."

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."

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  (970): You can't spell "party" without "RA." (1-970): You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired." http://tfl.nu/jawl
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

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  (219): I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt http://tfl.nu/sk35
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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  (+61): I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins. http://tfl.nu/5c3n
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.

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  (304): The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me. http://tfl.nu/eykr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five

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  (703): Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow (703): I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five http://tfl.nu/rklf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Why does my jaw hurt?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I may have punched you.

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  (303): Why does my jaw hurt? (402): I may have punched you. http://tfl.nu/tz5g
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Denial, avoidance and beer.

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  (312): Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013. (312): Denial, avoidance and beer. http://tfl.nu/o423
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year

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  (414): Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year http://tfl.nu/dko3
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  (760): View more from California

  Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

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  (760): Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly http://tfl.nu/j8y5
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  (714): View more from California

  Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

  (1-714): View more from California

  If he was naked that was me.

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  (714): Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed. (1-714): If he was naked that was me. http://tfl.nu/ou2y
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

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  (602): I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off. http://tfl.nu/f702
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar

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  (570): I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar http://tfl.nu/q05v
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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  (206): Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it. http://tfl.nu/gln0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm a corrupt cop.

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  (678): You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably. (404): I'm a corrupt cop. http://tfl.nu/teya
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  (409): View more from Texas

  There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you

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  (409): There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you http://tfl.nu/exfd
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS

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  (724): SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS http://tfl.nu/2482
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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  (540): You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you. http://tfl.nu/4u5p
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile

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  (406): Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile http://tfl.nu/ji9d
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (909): View more from California

  He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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  (909): He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere. http://tfl.nu/wyhi
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure

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  (413): She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure http://tfl.nu/04x9
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"

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  (701): You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to" http://tfl.nu/m0ec
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  (509): View more from Washington

  You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.

  (1-509): View more from Washington

  Yes talking about pockets is classic me.

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  (509): You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away. (1-509): Yes talking about pockets is classic me. http://tfl.nu/k75f
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  (714): View more from California

  Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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  (714): Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick http://tfl.nu/zf2b
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  (646): View more from New York

  I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.

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  (646): I bet his dick wears a tuxedo. http://tfl.nu/b7e4
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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  (604): I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse. http://tfl.nu/53yl
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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  (713): Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon. http://tfl.nu/r8yq
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  (845): View more from New York

  YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

  (1-914): View more from New York

  YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

  (845): View more from New York

  I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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  (845): YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE (1-914): YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING. (845): I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER http://tfl.nu/t573
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

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  (303): My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief. http://tfl.nu/edfe
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.

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  (404): So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord. http://tfl.nu/381z
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.

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  (217): Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons. http://tfl.nu/9jo6
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.

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  (864): That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it. http://tfl.nu/a8sj
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries

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  (423): So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries http://tfl.nu/0e3x
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.

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  (912): If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight. http://tfl.nu/iyrl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots

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  (610): We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots http://tfl.nu/1mi3
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.

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  (708): Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator. http://tfl.nu/0mqk
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Marry him now.

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  (330): And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain (330): Marry him now. http://tfl.nu/1169
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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  (620): We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night. http://tfl.nu/jjc7
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet

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  (507): Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet http://tfl.nu/981y
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.

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  (719): She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment. http://tfl.nu/ge6f
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.

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  (+44): When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god. http://tfl.nu/0ncl
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'

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  (509): I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?' http://tfl.nu/4a3m
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  (210): View more from Texas

  my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...

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  (210): my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me... http://tfl.nu/0ufz
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.

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  (779): He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud. http://tfl.nu/emwq
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  (716): View more from New York

  Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.

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  (716): Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly. http://tfl.nu/tse2
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  (253): View more from Washington

  For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

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  (253): For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo. http://tfl.nu/ryca
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  I love you more by the minute

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  (917): I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning (1-917): I love you more by the minute http://tfl.nu/4g8c
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

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  (715): I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk. http://tfl.nu/tfhs
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  (845): View more from New York

  I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte

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  (845): I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte http://tfl.nu/yyhp
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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  (406): I would watch the shit out of some full house right now. http://tfl.nu/5ksj
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.

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  (603): I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there. http://tfl.nu/rrty
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  (210): View more from Texas

  no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.

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  (210): no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here. http://tfl.nu/1kwe
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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  (+44): She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name http://tfl.nu/1k1s
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.

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  (610): I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them. http://tfl.nu/t18i
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  (210): View more from Texas

  And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.

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  (210): And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses. http://tfl.nu/edcx
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?

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  (604): If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair? http://tfl.nu/cjor
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  (408): View more from California

  I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"

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  (408): I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all" http://tfl.nu/dl7h
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW

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  (778): I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on (778): SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW http://tfl.nu/dpzm
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest

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  (802): I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest http://tfl.nu/d882
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear

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  (512): He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear http://tfl.nu/jwyg
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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  (847): YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU http://tfl.nu/vl39
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?

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  (703): you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat? http://tfl.nu/6p3h
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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  (610): Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it. http://tfl.nu/tp8b
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  Fuhga

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Thank you.

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  (250): The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive. (905): Fuhga (250): Thank you. http://tfl.nu/3pok
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I come from her. Holy hell.

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  (404): After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now" (404): I come from her. Holy hell. http://tfl.nu/sgm7
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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  (507): You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me (815): I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs http://tfl.nu/bc51
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?

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  (386): Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right? http://tfl.nu/g0nq
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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  (816): Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours. http://tfl.nu/2v78
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.

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  (404): I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things. http://tfl.nu/rlo1
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.

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  (312): Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows. http://tfl.nu/kvi1
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