Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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