SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
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