I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
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