Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
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