I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Send us your Text From Last Night!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In other news, I just burned my penis
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
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