My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
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