I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
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