The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
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