Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
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Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
being pregnant is like rehab
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
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