i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
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