I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
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