At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
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