I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
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