And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
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