Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
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