then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
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