I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
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