I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
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