I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
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