totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Loading more great texts...