Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
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