She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
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Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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